Ridiculous
by amazingtofu
Summary: Hermione gets captured by LV, but she convinces him to let her go back to school for yr 7. He gets Draco to keep and eye on her and help her spy on the Slytherins. She decides to have fun while no one knows who she is. She plays pranks and has fun. HGDM
1. Oh, you're Voldemort

Her whole life depended on whether or not he said the magic words. And I'm not talking about 'please' and 'thank-you'; I mean '_AVADA KEDAVRA' _the killing curse.

He circled her, walking around like a lion about to attack its prey. Her knees were weak and she could almost hear her heart pounding in her chest. None of the books she had read could have prepared her for this moment of absolute fear. She wasn't Harry and she wasn't Dumbledore, she couldn't face down the most evil wizard of her time.

She looked up from the floor, but found she couldn't stare into his glaring red eyes without shuddering. Instead she stared at his bald head. The dim light in the room hit his head and bounced off making a brighter ray. It glinted, hitting her eyes. She couldn't help it, she snickered.

"What's so funny?" Lord Voldemort angrily growled. How dare she laugh in HIS presence.

She stopped laughing and looked up at him, this time concentrating heavily on his nose. Not wanted to say she was laughing at him she went with a safe bet and stated the obvious, "Oh, you're Voldemort."

"And they tell me you're smart," he sneered.

"Excuse me!" She didn't care how scared she was, no one, not even Lord Voldemort, could insult her intelligence like that. "I happen to be top of my year and a prefect thank you very much."

Instead of replying (he had no good answer), he changed subjects, "Whatever. Anyways, I'm not really sure what to do with you."

"And they tell me you're smart," she sneered. She was still pissed about his rude comment about her brain.

"I suppose I could send you back to the dungeon," he pointed out, smirking.

She just ignored that last bit, "So, when do I get my school books?"

He stopped pacing and stared at her, "What?"

"Well of course I'll be going back to school for my 7th year." She saw the disbelief in his eyes and added, "You aren't going to keep me here; you are going to send me back to school," she said it as though she was explaining something very easy to a complete idiot.

She sounded completely sure, like he wouldn't dare disobey Hermione Granger. But in her head she was panicking 'I can't believe I just did that. Oh, he's gonna kill me! ... But I can't let him screw up my education, even if he thinks he's a Dark Lord'.

"You're in no position to tell me what to do," Lord Voldemort kept his calm and twirled her wand in his fingers mockingly.

"You're in no position to tell me I can't go back to school."

"You're not going," he said with a smirk. Who knew it'd be this easy to torture Potter's friend?

"**You're sending me** **back to school whether you like it or not!**" she ordered in the bossy know-it-all way that Ron hated. But the look she gave him was pure Mrs. Weasley; it was the look that got even Fred and George to listen to her.

If Lord Voldemort hadn't been Lord Voldemort and had a reputation to uphold, he'd have caved right then and there and rushed to do her bidding.

But… he knew he should kill her.

But… what would the Death Eaters think if he listened to her.

But… (And this he'd never admit to anyone, even himself) he was kind of scared of her.

"I shall talk to my Death Eaters about this and see if we can find a suitable arrangement," he declared grandly, as though she should fall to her knees and make out with his shoes in gratitude.

"Good enough for me," she shrugged nonchalantly (desperately trying not to show how fast her heart was racing), "Now where can I find a bath?"

**Yes I know it's short, but it's the first chapter. The rest are much longer. This is just a beginning to introduce the plotline.**

**Review por favor!!**


	2. Sacrifice Draco to the Cause

Hermione pressed her ear against the door. She had to know what was going on. Yes, she knew it was wrong, but she always liked to know the answers. Besides, she'd spent way too much time at headquarters with the twins and the extendable ears to feel guilty.

But this time, she didn't like what she heard. Most of the Death Eaters seemed to think that it was a dangerous and bad idea to send her back to Hogwarts, even if Snape was Headmaster.

She might've heard more, but she didn't have the chance. Of all the people to catch her, it had to be Draco Malfoy.

"What do you think you're doing mudblood?" he drawled, startling her. Maybe if he turned her in, the Dark Lord wouldn't be so pissed about the botched Dumbledore job.

He opened the door and pushed Hermione in in front of him.

"What are you doing?" Lord Voldemort was furious. How dare they interrupt HIS meeting? And they were just getting to the fun part, plotting people's demise.

"My Lord," Draco bowed, "I found her listening at the door. I thought you'd want to know."

"Mudblood?" Lord Voldemort turned to Hermione.

"I just wanted to sacrifice Draco here to the cause," she announced in a moment of inspiration.

"Okay. Wait, what???" he spluttered. The Dark Lord was so shocked he couldn't think of exactly what to say. And saying dark and evil things takes a lot of concentration and perfect timing.

Instead of an answer, Hermione stared intently at a white poster hanging on the wall:

**Enemies ****Allies**

**Harry Poter Vamprires**

**Dumbldor Inferi**

**Order of the Phoenex Werewolfes**

"What is this?" Hermione was disgusted. For one the handwriting was atrocious (even Harry and Ron's once illegible scrawl had improved under Hermione's glare), but it got worse. Hermione knew now, nobody could ever have called him smart; he couldn't spell the name of his greatest enemies and allies. What was wrong with the man?

"What?" The Dark Lord saw nothing wrong with his (in his view) impeccable poster.

Hermione knew that she should shut her mouth, but it was so horrible. Besides, correcting people was second nature to her. So yes, she went there, "Your spelling is horrible! Potter has 2 't's, Dumbledore has and 'e' there and there, Phoenix has and 'i' here instead of an 'e', there's not an 'r' here in vampires, and werewolves is spelled w-e-r-e-w-o-l-v-e-s." she pointed to places where various corrections were necessary.

As the Death Eaters stared in shock, she picked up a random black Sharpie and finalized the corrections herself.

"Ugh!" Voldemort pointed a gnarled hand at the two 16-year-olds, "Go. Corner. Now."

Draco quickly grabbed Hermione's arm and led her to a back corner as the Death Eaters resumed their business.

As they stood there she hissed, "Let go of my arm." When he seemed reluctant she suggested mildly, "Unless you like holding my arm…"

His hand removed itself so fast that you'd have thought her arm was on fire.

"…and now the 'boy who lived'…" Voldemort droned on.

Hermione snickered. All this 'the boy who lived' crap was total bullshit. In fact, Voldemort needed a just as stupid name.

"What's so funny Granger?" Draco whispered out of the corner of his mouth while still managing to look like he was paying rapt attention.

"If he's gonna call Harry 'the boy who lived' then I think he should be called 'the man who let the boy live'."

Draco shook his head. Granger might have book smarts but obviously she didn't have the brains to survive. You'd think that after years as a Gryffindor she'd have at least learned to not get caught, or after years with Snape have learned to keep her mouth shut, but nooooo. But the annoying little voice in the back of his head gave her points for being amusing.

_But,_ he reasoned with himself, I_ don't find it funny because I don't like Voldemort, or because she's clever. I only agree with her point because calling Potter 'boy who lived' suggests that he's actually done something other than drool or fly._ (Or at least that's what the easy-to-fool part of his brain said (it was the same part who managed to convince him that Voldemort was right)).

"Pray tell what you dare to find so funny during MY meeting?" Voldemort sneered.

Hermione said, quite calmly, "Nothing much. I just figured that if you insist on calling Harry 'the boy who lived', which is really quite silly, then you should be called 'the man who let the boy live'."

Death Eaters gasped, Lord Voldemort gaped, Draco refrained (but just barely) from banging his head against the wall, and Hermione actually dared to smirk.

Snape hissed something in Draco's ear and Draco nodded. He grabbed Hermione's arm and dragged her out of the room. Just as she was a foot away from the door, she tripped and fell flat on her face. Her cheeks turned a slight red as she pulled herself up and this time allowed Draco to lead her out of the room.

"What now?" Hermione glanced back at the meeting she could no longer hear.

"How come all the teachers seem to think you're smart?" Draco asked abruptly.

"What do you mean?" Hermione questioned sharply. Her pride still hadn't recovered from her fall.

"You acted like an idiot in there," he pointed out what the sensible part of her brain kept telling her.

He added thoughtfully, "I wonder if he'll let me be the one to kill you."

Hermione's heart was pounding nervously and her hands were sweating. What if he really did kill her? She wasn't worried about Draco doing anything, but the others… maybe.

"What? Is the little mudblood scared?" Draco smirked.

"Not of you. You couldn't hurt a _**ferret**_ if you wanted to," she placed special emphasis on 'ferret'.

"Well you should be. This is Death Eater headquarters and you're a Gryffindor mudblood who's friends with Potter. You should fear for your life," he again pointed out what the sensible part of her brain was repeating.

"Well, certainly not from you, you couldn't kill a wandless, old man, *cough* Dumbledore *cough*" Hermione knew it was mean and probably insulting to Dumbledore's memory and abilities, but, it proved her point. If Draco couldn't kill a defenseless person, then there's no way in hell (since it seemed that that's where she was) he'd be able to kill her.

"I would've killed him if Professor Snape hadn't come in first," Draco tried a measly defense.

"Snape may be to blame for many things, but it's not his fault you didn't have the balls to go through with it."

"You act like you could do it," he sneered, he'd given up on defending himself since she'd called his bluff.

"You act like I'd want to," she shot back.

"You still couldn't," he repeated, his weakness would now be proven to be hers.

"No," she admitted easily (so easily that he didn't get any pleasure from it). What she didn't mention was that she already had. She didn't know who, she just knew that she'd killed somebody.

She got up and started to walk away.

"What? Did I hurt your feelings," he mocked.

"No, you're just annoying." And she walked down the hall.

He let her go, not really caring. Besides, he was sure she'd get lost and come wandering back.

Hermione was only half lost. She didn't know where she was, but she did know how to get back to Draco.

After 10 minutes Draco was slightly worried. He decided he'd better go find her, because if the Dark Lord found her alone, he'd be in trouble because he was supposed to keep an eye on her.

He found her eavesdropping, again.

"Granger!"

Her head snapped around, "Shhh."

"What are you doing?" he asked quite loudly.

"Don't you want to hear this? It's about you." She hissed.

Going against his instincts he knelt next to her and pressed his ear against the door.

From inside he heard his father's voice and Voldemort's.

"_Are you sure the boy is trustworthy?" Voldemort said._

"_Of course my lord," Lucius reassured his master._

"_Well, he better be. For I'm offering him a chance to redeem himself."_

"_You have nothing to worry about my lord. He won't disappoint you again."_

"_He'd better not Lucius; you know I don't like failures."_

"_If he does, I'll disown him myself." Lucius declared._

"_Let us hope it doesn't come to that."_

Hermione recognized the end of a conversation and jumped behind the curtains hanging over the nearest window. When Draco didn't follow, she sighed and pulled him behind them with her.

"Thanks," he muttered, only half knowing what he was saying and who he was talking to. After what he had just heard, he had a lot to think about.

He was happy he got a chance to redeem himself, or at least that's what he was trying to convince himself of. But he was worried, he couldn't kill someone and the Dark Lord was notorious for forcing people to do things he knew they hated. And he was incredibly nervous about his father talking about disowning him. He wouldn't disown his own son, would he? But deep down, Draco knew his father cared more about the Dark Lord's wishes than his son's life. And he knew Lucius would kill him if the Dark Lord ordered it.

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That night, Draco and Hermione were ordered to attend dinner with the Dark Lord. Draco was nervous; he kept adjusting his dress robes and checking his hair in the mirror. He could only hope he was ready.

Hermione wasn't nervous to say, or Draco didn't think she was. She sat on a chair in his room watching him make a fool of himself in between pages of the book she'd found and taken.

"What are you doing?" she finally exclaimed as he brushed his hair for what seemed to be the hundredth time.

"We are having dinner with the Dark Lord. Everything has to be perfect." He answered haughtily.

"You're worse than most girls," Hermione said with disdain. She hadn't touched her hair once since she'd forced him to cast a frizz reducing spell on it.

He looked at her; despite what he was supposed to think, she looked at least decent. She was wearing soft pink dress robes (she vehemently refused to wear any shade of green), and her hair looked a lot better than normal.

When Hermione looked up at him, their eyes met for a second and he quickly looked away and stared back into the mirror. He was wearing black dress robes and his hair was greased back as usual with some of Hermione's hair gel (he got to use it in return for casting the spell, since she didn't have a wand).

When they received the call, they headed into the Dark Lord's private dining room. It was very formal occasion, with crystal glass, silver cutlery, and china dishes.

Hermione was careful to eat as much as her empty stomach needed, but not so fast that she looked like a pig.

"I think a yoga class might help." She said randomly. She needed something to break the silence.

"What?" Lord Voldemort asked cautiously, not sure he wanted the answer.

"Well, they say yoga relaxes people," Hermione explained, "So I was thinking that if you took some yoga classes, they might cure you of your wicked ways."

Lord Voldemort shook his head silently, reminding himself that he couldn't kill her. Not now that he had a use for her. Draco just gaped at her. He finally closed his mouth when the mashed potatoes he'd been chewing fell back onto his plate.

But Hermione's random comment hadn't been enough to ignite a conversation or even a heated debate. The table fell back into silence.

As the plates magically cleared themselves and several deserts started to appear, Lord Voldemort cleared his throat, "Granger, I have good news and bad news for you."

**Duh, duh, duh!!**

**Yeah, see, this chapter is longer!!**

**I want to thank everybody who added me to their favorites or alerts!! Thank you so much, ya'll made my day!! I around my house skipping and humming and I'm sure I scared my mom and little sister, but you'd think by now they'd come to expect my weirdness.**

**Krissie92: Thanks, yea I'd call that true Gryffindor courage too. Hermione's like beast in this at times**

**Maeve Hale: Yeah, I liked Voldemort being kinda scared of her too, just cause it seems like nobody could stop her when it comes to her education**

**Jasmine Volturi: Voldy really isn't like himself in this. I think he's a little more in character now, but i kinda wrote him as an evil whiny child with a big ego. So he is kinda ooc, but I guess Hermione is too.**

**Also I want to thank/give credit to mugglenet's list of 100 way to annoy voldemort**

**caramelboosts 150 things I'm no longer allowed to do in Hogwarts,**

**and Padfoot Prohibited by Liveley**

**They're great authors with great stories that you should definitely go read!!**

**Thanks everybody, so review!!**


	3. Are you s'posed to be in your underwear?

"_Granger, I have good news and bad news for you."_

"What?" Hermione asked warily. She knew better than to honestly expect that there was good news.

"I've decided you can attend Hogwarts."

Draco gaped, what the hell was he thinking?!?!?! You couldn't just send Granger back to Hogwarts!

Hermione was thrilled at first, she hadn't really thought he'd let her go, but "What's the catch?"

"What catch?" Lord Voldemort asked trying to look innocently, but the glint in his eyes gave him away. Besides Lord Voldemort actually being innocent is as unlikely as Fred and George being angels and Ron hugging a giant man-eating spider.

"Ha ha," Hermione rolled her eyes, "I'm not as stupid as you look."

"The _condition_, not catch, is that you won't be going back as a pathetic Gryffindor, you'll be an amazing Slytherin."

"I know I'm amazing and all, but a Slytherin? Honestly?"

Voldemort rolled his eyes, "You're not amazing, Slytherins are!"

"Well you said I'd be a Slytherin, so by default that means I'm amazing!"

"You are not!"

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

Draco jumped in, "What he meant was that all Slytherins are amazing except for you. Duh!" He leaned back in his chair, annoyed at their stupidity. He expected this kind of immaturity from Granger, but he never thought that the great Dark Lord would sink to her level.

"So we're done?" Hermione really wanted to leave. She got bored easily, and she lost her patience around stupid people and in her mind, Draco and the Dark Lord qualified as stupid people.

"No! Sit! I still have more news!" Lord Voldemort pouted. How dare she want to leave! Death Eaters waited for hours just to talk to him and when she had the chance all she wanted to do was leave! _That little bitch_, he thought, how dare she hurt his ego.

She sat back down huffily, what the hell was his problem. It's not like there was much else she needed to hear, jeez!

"No one will know who you are; you'll be a transfer student from Beauxbatons."

"Ok?" Hermione didn't need to hear this. With her IQ she'd guessed that he'd do something like that. Ugh, he was just wasting her time! She had so many better things to do; actually she didn't because she was stuck in Death Eater headquarters. But hey, she was sure that she could find someone to annoy.

"Draco, it'll be your job to show her around and make sure she fits in."

"What! Why?" he was astonished, the Dark Lord must have gone crazy. For one he was sending her to school and worse, he had to put up with her AND be NICE to her!

The world must be ending, prepare for the apocalypse! Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger would get along, even if they'd be the only ones who knew (and even if it was fake), it's still shocking.

"Because, she needs to get along with everyone and be an accepted member of the Slytherin House, after all, she's going to need connections. This is vital for her to find out information and bring it back to me."

"You want me to help YOU?" Hermione was disgusted. She almost added 'just kill me now' but she was afraid he'd take her literally.

"Well do you want to return to school or not?" he demanded.

"Fine," she sighed, the things she'd do for her education. Besides, she was hoping that being at Hogwarts would a. get her a wand and b. give her an opportunity to contact the Order and let them know what had happened.

"Good," he smirked. "You two meet me tomorrow after breakfast and we'll discuss the details."

Later she found herself in Draco's room again. She didn't have anything better to do and they were both wearing clothes so don't say anything Suporna!

"Why me?" Draco asked the ceiling.

But Hermione took it upon herself to bestow him with an answer, "Because YOU were stupid enough to buy into this bullshit. You brought this upon yourself."

"Oh shut up already, I didn't ask for your opinion!"

"Then who were you asking?" she raised one eyebrow, "You know talking to yourself isn't considered normal."

"Again, no one asked for your opinion!"

"That wasn't really an opinion, it was more of a commonly accepted fact."

"Ugh!"

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The next morning Hermione ate breakfast that a house elf brought to her. She pulled herself out of bed and knocked on Draco's door, "Hello, anyone there?"

He opened the door, "What?" he snapped.

"We're supposed to meet Voldykins."

"What?"

"Voldykins, we're supposed to meet him after breakfast."

He shook his head, deciding that he must be hearing her wrong. "Fine let's go."

He was out the door and halfway down the hall before she stopped him. "Ummm, are you supposed to meet him in your underwear?" she stifled a laugh.

Draco looked down and found that he was only wearing boxers. "Shit," he muttered and quickly ran back into his room.

A few minutes later he came out, this time in clothes. He was mortified, not just because Granger had to be the one to see, but he didn't want to imagine what would've happened if she hadn't said anything. He was actually surprised that she did, but maybe she just didn't realize she was helping him.

Hermione was walking right beside him, but she couldn't look at him. He had abs, she realized. But then again, she reasoned, it takes muscles to move dead bodies. Don't think about it Hermione, he's a Death Eater. But then another thought occurred, why didn't she see anything on his left arm? Maybe she just hadn't noticed it, but maybe it just wasn't there. Hmmm.

When they entered the sitting room where Voldemort was waiting, Draco bowed and sat down without looking at Hermione. She smiled, "My sir, you look particularly menacing today," and she too sat down.

He looked at, "What the hell?"

She shrugged, "It just seemed like something that you'd want to hear."

"Okay then, on to business."

"I thought we were here to discuss school, not business?" Hermione looked confused.

"Hermione, just listen to him," Draco snapped. It was way too early in the morning (9 am) for him to put up with her shit.

"You will create a new person, you will NOT be yourself. You must in every way be a Slytherin. Put on an act, it'll be hard to pull off because Slytherins are shrewd," Hermione snorted and Voldemort glared at her before continuing. "You'll most likely be okay because Draco will be backing you."

Draco groaned, just another reminder that he and Granger had to get along, great!

"So, that's it then. It's really simple," Hermione concluded. "I'll need a wand and I'll need to go shopping, and soon. Everything has to be ready and perfected before-hand."

"You seem way too happy about this," Draco was surprised. He thought she'd be complaining, not trying to help make everything work.

"I'm a born actress," she announced and flung her head back in a pose.

Draco just stared in shock and Hermione broke out in giggles.

"What did you have for breakfast this morning?" Draco demanded.

"Oh nothing, just some fruit and this drink, I don't know what it was. It's a muggle drink, I think it's called Red Bull." Hermione shrugged.

"I've heard of that, it's supposed to make you hyper and give you energy. Who in their right mind would give YOU one?"

"Maybe they were in their left mind!" she giggled again as Draco groaned.

"Now, back to business," Voldemort ordered before Draco could strangle his new spy.

"The point of this is to infiltrate my own ranks. Draco, Lucius has assured me that you're trustworthy, which means you can't tell any other Slytherins anything. They have to believe that she is from France."

"Why don't you trust your own Slytherins?" Hermione asked, and then added, "Dumbledore never did anything like that, maybe that's why people liked him more."

"And maybe that's why he's dead." Voldemort snapped, he didn't have to be reminded that Dumbledore always had more public support.

"Well you can't be worried about being killed or anything. After all, isn't that why you made your horcruxes?"

Voldemort was astonished and Draco was just plain confused. "How do you know about them?" the Dark Lord asked, worried about how much she knew.

"What's a horcrux?" Draco asked, not liking how he'd been left out of the loop.

"Oh," Hermione asked innocently, "you mean he doesn't know? I suppose that there are other things he doesn't know. I could tell him quite a bit about your family you know." Hermione smiled, she had Voldemort right where she wanted him (shut up Suporna and stop laughing!!!).

"I thought you were supposed to be a Gryffindor."

She shrugged, "I must be evil at heart. So here's the deal, I want a wand, books, money, and…" she smirked, "I want to send an owl to the Order letting them know that I'm alive and well."

"What?" Draco was appalled; he saw that Voldemort was considering her request.

"When you go shopping I'll allot Lucius a specific amount of money for you to use and we'll see about the letter."

"Good enough for me," she said showing that she wasn't as Slytherin as she had seemed. After all, a Slytherin wouldn't leave until they had the money in their hands and saw the letter written and mailed. But Hermione was a Gryffindor, and she knew that Voldemort didn't want people to know he was a half-blood or anything about his horcruxes.

_**Up next:**_

_**-Back to School Shopping**_

_**-Another Death Eater Meeting**_

_**-The Hogwarts Express**_

**_Thanks for all the reivews and favoriting!!!_**

**_Maeve Hale: Yeah, Lucius is a jerk, i really don't like him_**

**_alexee4samjeane: Thanks, i'm not trying to make her look stupid, but i guess it comes out that way. But cunning, cunning is good!_**

**_Krissie92: Thanks, i try_**

**_Dramione96: yeah it's weird, i had another account and i wrote several things and i didn't get like any reviews, so now i'm ecstatic_**

**_EVERYBODY GO READ CAN'T HELP FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU by DRAMIONE96!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**


	4. Piss off Drakey

"Come on already Hermione," Draco stood impatiently outside her room. "They're expecting us now."

She pulled open the door, "Haven't you ever heard of being fashionably late?" she snapped.

He rolled his eyes and grabbed her arm; they quickly apparated outside Malfoy Manor.

Hermione stared at the door, it was tall and foreboding.

"Ready?" Draco asked.

"As much as I'll ever be," she muttered. She didn't like Draco and she was sure she'd hate his parents; actually she already knew she hated his parents, but now she had to put up with them. Bleh.

A house-elf wearing dirty rags opened the door. Draco swept past him, dragging Hermione with him before she could protest. He wasn't in the mood for a lecture on house-elf rights.

Lucius and Narcissa were waiting in the living room. When the teens entered Lucius stood up and left, Draco followed him down the hallway, leaving Hermione alone with his mother.

"He's not very happy about you being accepted by the Dark Lord," Narcissa explained, motioning towards Lucius' retreating figure.

"And you are?" Hermione was doubtful.

"Does it matter? The Dark Lord has given his orders," she said simply.

Hermione was disgusted, "That's a bad reason to like someone." Hermione couldn't believe the people would be friends with someone just because they were ordered to; to her that was beyond pathetic. But she didn't expect much else from the weirdos who gave birth to Draco.

"So you need a disguise?" Narcissa changed topics.

"Yeah," Hermione said, watching the older woman warily.

"Well come on dear," Narcissa said impatiently. She led Hermione down one hallway, up some stairs, down another hallway, and through a jumble of turns. Hermione, with all her brain power, was lost in the depths of Malfoy Manor, alone with a woman who hated her.

"Ahh, here we are," Narcissa smiled as they approached a dark green door.

"What's this?" Hermione asked.

Narcissa sniffed, "You'll see."

It was a large room filled with clothes. There were every style, color, and size imaginable. Half of them wouldn't even fit Narcissa, and Hermione wasn't gonna ask why she had clothes she couldn't or wouldn't wear.

"So, what do you want to wear?" Narcissa asked while fingering the nice blouses and skirts hoping Hermione would get the hint.

Hermione got it, she just didn't care. If nobody was going to know who she was then she was going to have some fun with this. She wandered around looking at the skulls, hearts, and peace signs. She wasn't finding what she was looking for, wait, there it was.

She smirked as she called back, "I've found exactly what I need Mrs. Malfoy."

"Okay, go find a duffel bag, pack the clothes in it, and push the intercom button on the wall." Narcissa answered. She didn't leave Hermione time to ask questions; instead she left hurriedly and locked the door behind her. She figured she had about an hour before the stupid mudblood would finish.

Hermione heard the click of the lock and sighed. She realized what had happened. She was locked in a giant closet. There was only one way out. This was a challenge.

Then she started laughing. She knew it was stupid to take shoving clothes in a bag as a challenge, but hey? Why not?

"I can do this," she needed something to make this day interesting, and here it was.

First step, find the damn duffel. She looked around and all she saw were clothes. And then she spotted it, another door. She pushed it open tentatively. She didn't know what was in it, and she was in the house of Dark Wizards.

It was a closet… in a closet. That's kinda strange. Way up at the top was a large duffel bag.

"I bet Ron could get it," she muttered as she stared at the bag 10 feet about her.

'_No Hermione. Breathe. They're okay, just hunting horcruxes. This is not the time to cry,'_ She breathed deeply. She was okay; she'd just find a way to get the bag.

This shouldn't be that hard. Just climb up the shelves, right? It's just a duffel bag. But she was utterly dysfunctional!

"I never thought I'd do this," she talked to herself as she pulled herself onto the first shelf. She breathed a sigh of relief when it didn't break.

She climbed onto the second shelf, "this was a lot easier when I was like 8."

And slowly but surely she made it to the top. She grabbed the bag and dropped it onto the floor and it made a funny sound.

She started the decent back to the safe, sturdy floor. About halfway down she lost her balance and fell.

"Bleh," she said as she pushed herself out of the duffel bag.

She carried it to the clothes she liked and quickly shoved them in. Ta dah, she was done.

She pushed the little intercom button thing and found herself and the bag of clothes back in the Malfoy's sitting room.

"I thought you said we had more time?" Lucius hissed.

Narcissa shrugged, "I thought it'd take her longer."

Draco rolled his eyes. They didn't give Hermione any credit. He didn't like her, in fact, he hated her, but he knew better than to underestimate her. That would be dangerous.

"They bathroom's down the hall, go change so we can leave." Draco ordered.

She scowled, but didn't protest, her 'revenge' would be the look on his face when she came back out.

She changed quickly and then moved on to her hair. Normally she didn't waste time on hair and makeup, she was doing last minute studying. But she wanted her transformation to be complete.

She dug around the closet in the bathroom (holy crap did the Malfoy's have closets in every room???) and found some shoes.

She walked out and headed back into the sitting room. Narcissa almost gagged, Lucius suddenly became really interested in his paper, and Draco tried not to stare (but did anyway).

She was wearing a really short red, plaid skirt and a really tight fitting skimpy top. She apparently had boobs that nobody had ever seen because they were buried under her robes. She had straightened her hair and died it black (don't ask me how she just did!!!), and was wearing stiletto heels. (Why not?)

Draco would never admit it, but she looked hot. (Yes, he's that superficial.)

"Are you ready to leave?" She asked, still smiling. She didn't exactly like walking around Diagon Alley looking like a slut, but nobody would know it was her.

"Let's go," Lucius rolled his eyes. As they headed to the floo he hit Draco on the back of the head, "Stop drooling," he hissed. It was disgusting that HIS son could be so captivated by some mudblood.

Draco shook his head. He needed to concentrate. That wasn't some one night stand, it was Granger, the mudblood, that bane of his existence. Thinking about the time she hit him in third year did the trick, he stopped staring.

Heads turned as they walked down the cobblestone road through Diagon Alley.

Hermione got sadder every time she passed someone she knew. She saw Luna, Neville, and Ginny, Heck, she even missed Parvati and Lavender when she saw them, and she didn't really get along with them. She missed Seamus' perverted jokes and Dean's obsession with football (soccer).

"You two go to Gringott's and get some money. Get your school stuff I have business to attend to." Lucius said and he headed straight for Knockturn Alley.

They got out money and Hermione had to stop herself from dragging him straight to Flourish and Blotts. Instead she followed him to Madame Malkins.

"And get some more…" He looked at her, "…modest robes."

"Why?" She asked innocently, "Don't you like this?"

"Do you want me to?"

She grimaced, "Not really." It would be creepy if he liked her clothes, because she was hardly wearing any.

She picked out some standard robes and they left. It was quiet; neither one wanted to be there and they definitely didn't want to talk to each other.

Finally she'd had enough, "We're going to the bookstore."

"Why? We can just order them by owl." He shrugged. It was so much easier than pushing through a pack of first years and their anxious parents.

She fixed him with an evil glare. The same one she'd used on Voldemort. She could almost see him shudder. "I said we're going to the bookstore." And she started walking, knowing he was right behind her.

They pushed through a mob of first years and their anxious parents and made it to the back of the store. Hermione found all their books within five minutes.

"How the hell did you do that? Did you memorize where everything is?"

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Yeah, I spent hours memorizing the layout of the bookstore." She said sarcastically.

He stared at her, "Really?" He asked horrified.

"No. Seriously, I'm not that bad. Take a second and look. They go in alphabetical order by author. Jeez, I figured that out when I was 11." Duh

"Oh."

She rolled her eyes and browsed the shelves for more books she could buy; after all, it was Lucius' money. Among them a book about Beauxbatons, and a new copy of Hogwarts, A History.

To her surprise, Draco didn't protest, he picked out some educational books of his own. Maybe he wasn't a complete idiot, but that's just maybe.

After they checked out, they went to get ice cream.

"Oh look who dares to show her face back where she isn't wanted," Draco sneered at Ginny.

"Oh piss off Malfoy," Ginny shot back.

Hermione's heart was beating, she a. wanted to help Ginny and b. not be recognized. If she blew her 'cover' then she couldn't go back to school and she'd probably be killed.

"Careful Weasel, you're way out of your comfort zone. I'm surprised you dared to show your ugly face here."

Ginny's ears turned red. "At least I'm not some slut," she motioned towards Hermione.

Draco really didn't feel like defending Hermione, and she's the one that picked the clothes, so it's her problem.

"Drakey," Hermione said in a nasally voice reminding him of Pansy, "Why don't you deal with this and I'll go get some ice cream."

He just waved her away. By the time she got to the counter both teens had pulled out their wands.

She sighed, did she have to fix everything? Draco was stupid enough to underestimate the redhead's dueling skills, and Mrs. Weasley must be hovering around somewhere (and Draco didn't need to die). Besides, Ginny could cast one mean bat bogey hex.

She pointed her new wand at them and levitated their wands into the air. She brought Draco's to her and dropped Ginny's by Mrs. Weasley's feet.

Draco came over in time to hear the man at the counter say, "Thank you miss, a fight would've been bad."

"No problem," she smiled. "Here's your wand _Drakey_," she smirked.

"Drakey? Only Pansy ever…" he stopped. That's why Hermione had said it.

"You mean the real slut? Yeah, she's creepy."

They walked down the street eating ice cream, slowly getting closer to Lucius who was waiting outside Knockturn Alley, carrying a suspicious looking package.

"Why would anyone want to buy bad dung?" Draco pointed to a sign in the window of the Apothecary.

"Snape buys it," Hermione said matter-of-factly.

"What potions would it be used for?" Draco was confused. Surely Snape would buy something that smelled better than shit.

"Not potions, he eats it. Everybody knows that bad dung is Snape's food."

Draco just looked at her disbelievingly. She was definitely a strange one.

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It was almost time for the last Death Eater meeting before Hermione and Draco would return to Hogwarts.

Hermione and Draco were back in their corner, and he was still pissed about having to 'babysit the mudblood'. However, the rest of the Death Eaters thought Hermione was dead and Draco was keeping an eye on Mandy.

The door started to open and Hermione ran to it and pushed it shut.

"What the…?" She heart Voldemort exclaim.

"Hold on," she ordered. "I have to announce you first. What kind of evil ruler are you? What would Hitler think if you just walked in?"

"And now…" She announced to the room.

However the Death Eaters ignored her, chatting amongst themselves.

"Hey losers, listen up!" She yelled. They all looked up, "That's better," she smiled.

She made a fake trumpet noise and hit her hands on the wall for a drum roll.

"And now announcing the great Dark Lord! He's had many victories, which are often overshadowed by his losses to old men and babies. His roots go far back. His mum was a witch and his father…" What she was going to say was lost forever as Voldemort lost patience and entered.

He pushed her off HIS stage and glared at her back until she was in her seat again.

"Today we have a new evil plan…" He said grandly and him and everybody else in the room cackled evilly.

"What the hell?" She asked Draco.

He shrugged, "It's something we're supposed to do. It's like a group evil laugh."

Hermione laughed, "Mwah ha ha ha."

Everybody turned to look at her. "What?" she asked, "I didn't know you were done being creepy."

"We're going to find Order Headquarters and attack it. Therefore, we shall rid ourselves of our greatest opposition." He said proudly. He liked his plan, his plan was genius, his plan would work, soon, he would rule the world… and tuna.

"It's your funeral," Hermione informed him.

"Not if you tell us where it is and we have a surprise attack."

Hermione laughed, "You must think they're as stupid as you are, they have a secret keeper."

"Who?"

"They have a secret keeper for the secret keeper. I guess they really don't trust you."

"No matter," Voldemort smirked, "I know where it is, Grimmauld Place."

Bellatrix the Strange gasped, "That damn blood traitor allowing low life scum in the house of his mother."

"Yeah, that annoying bitch on the wall yelled about it a lot," Hermione smirked as Bellatrix looked horrified.

She watched amused as Voldemort came up with a plan of attack. The idiot, he really had no idea what he was doing. Once Dumbledore (the secret keeper) died, and Snape betrayed them, they moved headquarters.

Grimmauld Place was just some old empty house with a crazy portrait and a lot of dust.

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Hermione followed Draco down the corridor of the train.

She looked around longingly at the laughing kids who had a reason to smile even in these dark times.

When she sat down she was in a compartment full of people who hated her. Fun, right?

"Oh hey Drakey," Pansy's voice rang out (sounding identical to Hermione's at the ice cream shop).

Hermione giggled and Draco glared at her… and Pansy.

"Everybody this is Mandy Beausoleil," Draco introduced her. He sat as far away from Pansy as possible.

"Your first year here?" Daphne Greengrass questioned.

"I was born in London, but I attended Beauxbatons. After my parents were killed by the Order, Lucius Malfoy took me in and I transferred to Hogwarts."

Pansy eyed her jealously. Hermione had on the shortest shorts she'd ever seen and a tight fitting low cut t-shirt.

Draco was Pansy's!! And Pansy wouldn't give him up without a fight.

"Hello Mandy," Pansy said sweetly and held out her hand.

When Hermione went to shake it, Pansy pulled her hand back.

Hermione smiled sweetly and in a sugary sweet voice said, "Oh, aren't you a little bitchy."

But that was the most exciting part of the train ride. She mostly just read her books, Slytherins weren't very interesting. They never shared much about themselves just in case somebody used it against them. They mostly talked about how much they hated Gryffindors and muggleborns.

She actually found Beauxbatons a fascinating school. They even took dancing and etiquette classes (which she thought the guys at Hogwarts needed).

**Okay, I posted chapter 4. And I'm almost done with chapter 5!**

**I saw Half Blood Prince at midnight, it was funny, but what's with the added scene???? It's annoying, they took some good stuff out, i love the part at the end where Mrs. Weasley says that Bill WAS going to be married and Fleur says he still will be, it was sweet! sigh**

**Anyways, thanks for all your reviews!!**

**Krissie92: thanks!!!!!**

**alexlee4samjeane: thanks, i love making people laugh**

**Dramione96: ur story's really good and what inspired me to get off my lazy ass and post this thing. Suporna's one of my friends who would've started laughing at the times where I mentioned her, even though they were innocent. :) I'd also call stupidity one of my talents XD**

**Realityswitcher: :) thanks**


	5. Is that my sock?

"There will be none of the disrespect and disobedience that Dumbledore tolerated. Also, all students must take Dark Arts and Muggle Studies." Snape gave his after-the-feast speech.

Hermione had to refrain from protesting, rolling her eyes, or just laughing at him. She looked over at the Gryffindor table and saw Ginny and Neville in a deep conversation. They were planning something maniacal. Snape wasn't going to have fun as headmaster.

The Slytherins actually paid attention to his speech. Apparently they approved of his evilness. But that isn't a surprise.

Back in the dungeon common room, she shivered, "Isn't this freezing?"

"You get used to it," Draco shrugged.

"At Beauxbatons we had warm fires everywhere," she said haughtily. She was imitating Fleur who always talked about all the great things they had at Beauxbatons that made it a much better school than Hogwarts.

Draco rolled his eyes, what the hell would she know about Beauxbatons?

A little first year wandered up, "What's so special about the Forbidden Forest?"

Before Draco could give him detention Hermione answered, "There's a party down there and they don't want you to go so they say it's forbidden." His eyes went wide and he ran off to tell his friends.

Draco looked at her, surprised. "What was that?"

She smiled, "I've always wanted to do that, just to see if they'd believe me. First years are so gullible."

"I didn't expect that from you."

She shrugged, "I'm a mystery." And with a smirk she headed to her dorm to unpack.

At the top of the stairs Pansy confronted her, "Leave Draco alone, he doesn't like, he's mine."

"If you think that's your problem, then you don't have one. I don't like Draco, you can have him." And she pushed past her. She didn't have the patience to deal with Pansy and her stupidity.

The next morning at breakfast, Daphne Greengrass was trying to get to know 'Mandy'. "So Mandy, how do you know Draco?"

"Well," she smirked, "He is my sista from anotha mista."

"No I'm not," He glared at her. He wasn't anybody's sister, let alone some mudblood's.

"Actually his mother was good friends with mine," she lied easily. She liked lying to these Slytherins, especially since they never questioned what she said.

It amazed her how much power Draco had over them. It was almost scary. They all respected him and listened to him.

Gryffindors would NEVER just accept someone because their 'leader' said to. But all the Slytherins accepted her because Draco told them to. Strange

The first half of the day went well. Flitwick and Slughorn taught, but made sure to slightly favor the Slytherins (they liked living).

After lunch was Transfiguration. Hermione smirked at the thought. Professor McGonagall wouldn't act any differently for Umbridge and Hermione highly doubted she's favor anybody.

"Welcome to Hogwarts Miss Beausoleil." Professor M. smiled.

"Draco Malfoy, pay attention!" McGonagall snapped. Draco had been sleeping. Tsk tsk tsk Draco.

"Do you know who I am?" He tried to intimidate her.

She looked at him, "Obviously, I just used your name didn't I?"

"Then you should know to respect your superiors." He glared at her. She was just some teacher and he was doing a mission for the Dark Lord. He had the superior status (in the crazy part of his mind).

"I taught your father, and I've taught you for 6 years. I wouldn't call you my superior in any stretch of the word. If you don't sit down, shut up, and pay attention, then maybe a detention will help?"

He glared, but sat down, muttering about 'my father will hear about this'.

"And if you wish to write to Lucius you can, but I'm not scared of him. He was never a very talented wizard."

And then McGonagall smirked. It was a strange occurrence, yet it happened.

Hermione wanted to laugh, but knew she'd have a chance later.

Back in the common room, Draco was complaining, "That old cow, how dare she treat me that way."

"Why? Did she bruise poor Drakey's ego?" Hermione tried not to gag at Draco laying his head in Pansy's lap.

Draco glared at her, even though they both knew the answer was a yes.

"Oh you poor thing," Pansy said as she stroked his hair, she looked at Hermione, "Don't you agree?"

Hermione laughed, "At Beauxbatons we respect our Professors and pay attention in class, after all, that is the best way to learn. None of us would dare be so disrespectful, or stupid enough to expect special treatment because our father works for the Dark Lord."

She smiled at Draco, who, in his usual fashion, glared in reply.

The next day she woke up with a feeling of dread. She had no idea why until she looked at her schedule. Today she had double Dark Arts and double Muggle Studies. This couldn't be fun.

In Muggle Studies Professor Carrow snapped, "Miss Beausoleil, stop talking!"

"I swear Professor, it's the enchanted sock puppet," Hermione said, trying to look innocent.

Right on cue, Carrow felt a poke on the back of her head. She turned around and sure enough, there was a large sock puppet with googly eyes and painted lips. She tried to ignore it, but every time she did, it bit her on the back of her head.

Hermione had never seen a teacher scream in frustration before, and she wasn't sure her ears would ever recover.

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"Mandy, the headmaster would like to see you," some first year told her.

With a sigh Hermione headed up to his office, pulling her low-cut shirt up so her boobs weren't hanging out.

"You can't prove anything," she pointed at him.

"That's not the correct way to report to me," Snape glared, he already had a headache from listening to the old headmasters yelling at him, and now he had to deal with this girl. "Don't they teach you any manners at Beauxbatons?"

"Of course they do, but Beauxbatons is a very different school. Our headmistress doesn't condone the torture of children."

"That's not why you're here," he snapped.

"I'd guessed as much, but you brought it up," she smirked.

Hermione studied the wall as he talked, refusing to look in his eyes, after all, he was an accomplished Legilimens.

She knew she should at least pretend to respect him, but it was so hard. He'd killed Dumbledore, betrayed the Order, and from what she's heard (and didn't doubt) he allowed the Carrows to beat up and use the Cruciatus curse on kids with detentions.

"… and you have detention tonight at 7," he finished.

"Yes sir," she replied, wondering exactly what he'd been talking about.

7 o'clock rolled around, then 8 and finally, 9.

Draco came back into the common room at exactly 9:01.

He'd been one of the ones helping to administer punishments and he knew that all the trouble makers were still in another part of the dungeons, which explains why he was surprised to see Hermione on the couch engrossed in her Transfiguration textbook.

He sat in chair next to her and she didn't even notice he was there.

Five minutes later the enchanted sock puppet floated in through the entrance.

Hermione studied it for a minute, "Oh my gosh, that looks horrible."

"What's up with that?" Draco motioned towards the ripped flying sock, while subtly scooting away from it.

"This sock puppet got me detention, so I figured it could serve it for me."

Draco refused to let himself marvel at what complex magic that was, instead he focused on the obvious, "But that's against the rules."

"No shit Sherlock."

"Who's Sherlock? Never mind I probably don't care, but you never break the rules."

"Sure," she rolled her eyes.

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"Ahhh!" Hermione shrieked.

"What's wrong Mandy?" Daphne asked worriedly.

"G-go get Pr-pr-professor Snape." She managed to say.

A few minutes later Daphne and an irate headmaster entered the girls dorm.

"What's wrong?" He snapped.

"I checked under my bed and there's an evil clown living under it," Hermione managed to keep from laughing.

"An evil clown? What's your problem?"

"I already told you, my problem is the evil clown."

He rolled he eyes and looked under her bed, "there's nothing this."

"Look again," she said, tears surfacing in her eyes.

He complied and sure enough, there was a clown. "Holy shit, where'd that come from?" It was a clown (similar to Ronald McDonald), but it had an evil grin on its face.

"See, its evil!!" She shrieked as she jumped on top of Pansy's bed.

Snape pointed his wand at it and it disintegrated. "Go to bed Miss Beausoleil." And with that he left, looking very bat like.

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The next morning, everybody sat down at breakfast.

"I can't believe you dragged Snape into your room just because you pretended to be scared of an 'evil' clown." Draco piled food on his plate.

"It was a creepy clown," Hermione defended herself. "Is stuffing your mouths with food a guy thing or what?"

"I 'on't 'ow 'at 'ou 'ean." Draco replied though a mouthful of sausage.

"Translate that please," she looked at him disapprovingly.

He swallowed, "I don't know what you mean."

Before she could point out that talking with food in your mouth is rude. Several inflatable sheep floated in through the doorway. They were pink and fluffy and made loud baa-ing noises.

Draco looked at her, "What did you do?"

"Nothing, this really wasn't me. I wish it was though, that would've been cool." She sighed. She like sheep, and pink, and annoying Snape.

"Weasley, Longbottom, my office, now!" He yelled.

"See, it wasn't me," Hermione smirked at Draco.

"It was a fair assumption." He defended himself.

"No, it's a fair assumption to assume I died the ceiling red and gold with a lion on it, but not inflatable sheep." Hermione pointed to the ceiling. Which was, sure enough, red and gold with a lion on it, Draco sighed, she'd never stop.

"How'd you know that the sheep were inflatable?" Draco eyed her suspiciously.

"Because I heard them discussing the spell in the hallway so I sent them an anonymous owl with the incantation on it. They decided to see if the new Care of Magical Creatures teacher is as good as Hagrid was."

"Hagrid was a horrible teacher, he allowed me to get attacked by a man-eating hippogriff!" Draco said hotly (and I mean angrily, not looking hot, even if he was).

"Buckbeak doesn't eat people, I've ridden him, he eats ferrets, which for you is practically the same thing." She smirked. "Besides, if you'd paid attention you'd have known better than to insult something so much cooler than yourself." She defended Hagrid and Buckbeak quietly; after all she wasn't supposed to know about that.

"What happened to the ceiling?" Pansy asked as she sat down on Draco's lap.

Hermione shrugged, "I don't know, but it's really good magic."

"It's Gryffindor colors, that's horrible!" Pansy glared at the 'stupid new girl'.

"What's so bad about Gryffindors?" Hermione asked, she honestly wanted to hear the answer.

"They're obnoxious and incredibly stupid. Besides, it's full of mudbloods and blood traitors." Pansy sneered.

"Oh, I like Beauxbatons better; we don't separate students into different houses. It encourages an unhealthy level of competition and an abnormal level of hate."

"Why do you keep bringing up that stupid school?"

"I spent six years there, and it's much better than here." Hermione defended 'her' school. She did think that sorting students was stupid, because they wouldn't get along. And she knew from Fleur that the students at Beauxbatons thought their school was superior to every other school.

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The next morning Draco came down to the common room before breakfast, "Has anyone seen my other sock?"

Hermione smirked as the enchanted sock puppet (still slightly charred from detention); bit him on the back of his head.

**I updated!! I was gonna post this but then I went to Stone Mountain and then I went on the lake!!!**

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**i fell into yesterday: nice username :) you said you can't wait to see where this goes, me too, i haven't really planned what's gonna happen yet, it's pretty random :)**

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	6. That time of the cheese

Potions with Slughorn were annoying. Slughorn favored Draco more than even Snape used to. It made Hermione sick. If her potion was perfect Slughorn still said Draco's was better.

So she decided to be mean.

"Does anyone know another name for pickled newt's brain?"

Hermione's hand shot up.

"Yes Miss Beausoleil?"

"Draco's food," she smiled.

"Go see the headmaster," he sighed.

If she did something wrong, all teachers were ordered to send her to Snape, who was getting sick of seeing her. He was hoping that he could convince the Dark Lord to let him give her detention. But Voldemort didn't want her to spend time in detention because then she couldn't interrogate the other Slytherins and find out who would betray him.

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"What did you do now?"

"I said Draco ate pickled newt's brain," Hermione smiled at the memory, Draco had been pretty annoyed.

"Why?" He was shocked, Draco was her housemate!

"My potion's are always perfect but Slughorn only gives prizes to Draco. He favors him and it's not fair." She crossed her arms.

Dare I say it? Hemione's jealous!! She didn't like Harry being better than her when he had the Prince's book and she doesn't like Draco acting like he's better (when he isn't).

"Life isn't fair," Snape sneered.

"So? You're the headmaster. At Beauxbatons…"

"I don't care about Beauxbatons! This is Hogwarts!" He lost his patience.

"Wait a second," she ignored him, "I know why you're allowing this, you're scared of him and Lucius."

"Miss Beausoleil…"

"Hush, don't interrupt, that's rude. It's not like I'm a Gryffindor or anything, so why don't I get preferential treatment???" Hermione's being bratty! :)

"I'm not scared," he snapped.

"Really?" she asked slyly.

"Get out."

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"For extra credit you can build a model of a planet's moon," Professor Sinistra announced.

"Ha," Draco smirked.

"What?" Hermione looked at him funnily.

"You can't get an 'O'," he said happily. "She only gives 'O's to Hermione Granger and since you're Mandy…"

"That makes you way too happy," she noted.

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"Why aren't you scared of him?" Draco asked while trying to figure out her Rubik's Cube.

"Scared of who?" she looked up from her extra credit project.

"The Dark Lord"

She laughed, "How can I be afraid of him? He couldn't kill a baby." She lied (she'd been lying a lot lately).

Honestly, she was incredibly scared of him. He could kill her whenever he wanted to. He was evil! But she figured that after this year he was going to kill her anyway because she wouldn't be useful anymore. And if that was the case, she was going to have some fun before she died.

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Hermione proudly carried her model of Earth's moon to class. It was practically an exact replica.

Professor Sinistra sniffed it, "It's cheese?"

"Swiss to be exact," Hermione smiled.

"How creative!" the eccentric professor exclaimed. She was an odd teacher.

The next day Hermione skipped into the common room.

"Why're you so happy?" Draco asked suspiciously.

"I got an 'O' on my extra credit astronomy project!"

"But you made it out of cheese," he protested.

"Yep, Professor Sinistra said it was 'muy delicioso'!"

"But she only gives Hermione 'O's."

"Technically I am Hermione," she pointed out.

"But she doesn't know that."

_Up in the astronomy tower, nibbling on cheese, Professor Sinistra cackled to the moon. "If Granger thinks she can fool me, she's crazier than I am. Mwah ha ha ha!!!"_

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"It's not fair, McGonagall gave me detention and Snape says I have to go," Draco whined.

"Snape didn't back you?" Hermione asked, slightly amused. Apparently he had listened to her and wasn't going to favor Draco to the extreme anymore, or he agreed with McGonagall.

"No," he pouted, "Apparently since I did sleep through several classes she has every right to punish me."

"Well he has a point," Hermione stated and Draco glared.

"What?" she asked. "If you don't pay attention you'll never learn anything and the how do you expect to help the Dark Lord?"

"Since when do you care about helping the Dark Lord?" He glared more.

She ignored him, "Just tell McGonagall that it's 'that time of the month' and you can't go."

"Are you sure it'll work?"

"I've used it before, clutch your stomach and mutter 'cramps'."

He left the common room to talk to McGonagall.

"Dumbass," Hermione muttered as she returned to her homework.

~~~~~~ Meanwhile…

"Mr. Malfoy, you still have to serve your detention."

He doubled over as though in pain and muttered, "cramps."

McGonagall looked amused. "You are male and therefore do not get 'that time of month', unless there is something about your gender you need to tell me?" she explained.

Draco's face turned red as he realized what 'that time of month' was.

After copying like a bajillion lines, he trudged down to the common room.

It was empty, except for Hermione, who was still studying.

"I see you did your detention," she noted.

He glared, "Why didn't you tell me you were talking about your fucking period?"

"It's not my fault you couldn't figure that out. Wait, did you actually try and use that as an excuse?"

"Yes!" he glared.

She burst out laughing, "I was kidding, jeez. What did McGonagall say?"

"She thought it was funny too, she even suggested I was a girl."

Hermione continued to laugh, then defended herself, "Well the excuse has worked for me in the past."

"You're a girl."

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

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It was a Hogsmeade weekend, finally. Hermione didn't think she could take much more of being stuck in the castle.

"Hey Daphne, do you want to go get a drink at the 3 Broomsticks?" Hermione asked.

"Sure," Daphne smiled.

They sat down in a corner booth. Hermione decided she'd start small to test the water.

Oh yes, she was going to do was Voldemort asked her to. Gasp!!

Idiots, do you really think she was going to help him? No!!! How dare you insinuate that!

No, Hermione wanted to 'infiltrate his ranks' so she knew who she could trust and then help then switch sides and join the Order. Duh!!!

"Have you gotten any detentions yet?" She asked the other girl.

Daphne nodded, "Just one, I didn't do my muggle studies homework."

"Was it as bad as it sounds?"

Daphne winced, "It was horrible."

"Yeah, I don't like the methods Snape allows the Carrows to use. It's pathetic that that's the only way he can control the school. Dumbledore was a much better headmaster." Hermione said passionately.

"How do you know anything about Dumbledore?" Daphne asked suspiciously.

"I knew the Delacours from Beauxbatons. He was the only thing they like about the school. They thought it was too cold, the suits of armor were tacky, the students immature and rude, and they hated almost everything, except Dumbledore."

"So how do you like Hogwarts?"

Hermione shrugged, "its okay I guess. I don't think that sorting students is a good idea. Doesn't it promote prejudice between the houses?"

"I guess," Daphne sighed. "But don't you support the prejudice of the Dark Lord?" She asked slyly.

"So you admit it's prejudice?" Hermione answered her question with a question.

"Well, prejudice is an unfavorable thought or feeling formed beforehand…"

"…without knowledge, thought or reason." Hermione finished. Depending on whom you asked, Daphne had just admitted that Voldemort didn't like muggleborns and that he didn't have a reason for it.

Daphne eyed her cautiously; she knew what she'd said. "I'm academically minded. Technically, that's what he's doing. That doesn't mean I can't agree with him," she added hurriedly.

"I'm also academically minded," Hermione halfway changed subjects.

"Is that why you made the moon out of cheese?" Daphne asked, changing the subject completely.

**I love cheese!!!**

**I think in the next chapter Hermione and Draco need to fight, and so they shall! After all, they have been getting along way too well for my entertainment!!**

**Thanks for all your reviews. This is proof I have no life, because every review makes my day!!!**

**voldyismyfather: yeah, i'm trying to make Hermione amusing**

**alexlee4samjeane: thanks :)**

**focid 360: hee hee, i try, i'll have to bring mr. socky back to annoy voldykins!! man is this gonna be fun!! thanks for your review!!**

**unicorngirl14: thanks :)**

**aridne: your right, how could the Slytherin guys ignore her? This'll be fun!**

**Kelsey: yeah, I like sheep that are pink, thanks :)**


	7. I want to have your baby

Hermione felt a hand over her mouth and she was pulled into a back corner of the library.

She spun around, expecting some seventh year guy who thought she was hot (and whose ass she'd probably have to kick), instead…

"Luna?"

"Hermione!" Luna hugged her.

"I'm not Hermione, I'm Mandy," Hermione said trying not to give anything away.

"It's all right 'Mione, I won't tell anyone."

"I'm Mandy," Hermione insisted, "I don't know who Hermione is."

"It won't work," Luna said in a dreamy voice. "I always recognize my friends."

Hermione was too amazed to argue (for once). She didn't know Luna considered her a friend, especially since Hermione had insulted the Quibbler many times.

"Okay fine, it's me, just don't tell anyone."

"I won't," Luna reassured her.

"How'd you know it was me?"

Luna shrugged, "You didn't change your face, and I recognized your handwriting on the letter you sent Neville and Ginny."

Hermione swore under her breath, it never occurred to her that anyone could recognize her handwriting.

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"Draco we have a slight problem."

"What?" he groaned.

"Luna knows who I am."

"What!?!?!?!" he exploded.

"It's okay," she said, already wondering why she'd bothered telling him.

"No it's not! She'll mention it to somebody and that'll screw everything up!!!"

"Have a little trust," Hermione said calmy, trying in vain to reassure him.

"If you trust people you'll end up dead!" he yelled.

She rolled her eys and headed into the (strangely empty) common room.

"Mandy!!" he yelled as he followed after her, he had to make her understand why this was such a big deal.

"If you don't stop yelling at me I'll commit suicide with muggle pop rocks and Coke," she threatened.

"You aren't supposed to know what they are!" he continued yelling.

"But I do! That's a part of me that won't go away!"

"But it has to," he (again) yelled, "You're not Hermione Granger anymore, you're Mandy Beausoleil."

"But I'm still a fucking mudblood right?" She glared, "That's why you can't fucking explain why this is a fucking problem, all you do is fucking yell!!!"

He actually stopped yelling, "Do you really doubt that the Dark Lord will kill you?" he hissed.

"No, but he'll never know about this!"

Draco rolled his eyes, "Are you really that stupid? He's the worlds great Legilimens, he'll know whatever he wants to know."

"Then he'll know that Luna's not a threat, she's Luna for God's sake! She's not some teenage girl who only cares about the next piece of gossip!"

"I said he knows what he wants to know, and I'm sure he's looking for a reason to kill you."

Hermione shrugged, "If he's going to kill me he'll wait until the school year is over, I'll just have to see how much farther I can drag this blackmail thing."

"You're crazy." Draco said. She was being an idiot! He actually wasn't sure why he was trying to help her survive, wait, yes he was. And it wasn't because he liked her, it was because he loved himself, after all, he was supposed to help her.

"Gee, thanks"

"Well it's true! No, I take that back, you're an idiot. You're in way over your head Granger, you don't have the brains to survive. I can't wait to see the look on Potty and Weasel's face when they find out," he sneered.

She looked at him, a hurt expression flitted across her features, but it quickly disappeared beneath the cold Slytherin mask she'd acquired.

She'd have her revenge, he'd crossed the line. She sent him a death glare and headed up into the girl's dorm, her evil genius mind plotting and planning.

Draco was left alone in the common room. His emotions were conflicted, he wasn't sure if he felt guilty, proud, or scared. After all, he seemed to really have hurt her feelings, but he'd done that for years. Maybe it was just because she knew that Potter and Weasley really would be upset if she died, especially since she'd probably been shagging them for years.

Ew, he banished that thought from his head, it was just creepy. He thought maybe he was proud, but he wasn't, if he was proud he'd be smirking, not wanted to apologize.

He decided he was scared, after all, in the past couple of months she'd showed herself to be capable of many things he never thought she'd have the guts to do. And she had slapped him pretty hard in their third year. So yes, he must be scared.

It never occurred to him that he wanted to apologize because he knew he'd done something wrong. No, in his mind, he could do no wrong. And if Hermione was upset it was her fault and her problem, not his.

But to the girl watching the whole argument interestedly from the shadows, everything made perfect sense and the pieces were fitting together nicely.

Hermione was upstairs, hidden behind the curtains of her bed, fuming. How dare he say something like that! How could anybody be sick and pathetic enough to want to see the look on somebody's face when they're told their best friend is dead?

She began to wonder why she was so upset. After all, he was Malfoy and said rude and obnoxious things like that all the time. She figured it was because he'd never said anything like that to 'Mandy', the two of them had practically been almost friendly.

Sure they'd teased each other, but it was friendly, not mean or hurtful. It's not like she'd actually been his friend, she was just pretending so she could gain the other Slytherin's trust.

But if it was all an act, then why was she so upset now?

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At breakfast the next morning Hermione ignored Draco and sat next to Daphne and across from Blaise, who was trying (and failing) to subtley look down her shirt.

Instead of glaring at him or pointing it out, Hermione smiled back. Someone watching her smiled knowingly.

Blaise walked with her to class, "So, do you come here often?"

"Yeah, I go to school here, I'm in all your classes…"

"Just checking," he smiled realizing how stupid of a question that was.

He tried again, "Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes."

Hermione wanted to gag, that was so cheesy and pathetic, and unoriginal. "That's so sweet," she forced herself to say happily.

"Do you want to get lost with me in Hogsmeade?"

"That's sounds great, I'll see you tomorrow," she smiled and headed to her seat next to Daphne. As she sat down she winked at him.

"I can't believe you fell for that," Daphne muttered as more students came in.

"I didn't 'fall' for anything." Hermione assured her.

"Really?"

Hermione smirked, "What's the best revenge you can get on a guy?"

"To date his best friend, why?" A look of comprehension crossed Daphne's face, "You're only dating him to piss off Draco?"

"Well, Draco has Pansy," Hermione defended herself.

"More like Pansy has him. She's convinced they'll soon be married and have tons of kids to give to the Dark Lord."

Hermione snorted. She couldn't imagine Pansy agreeing to 'ruin her body' by having kids, even for the Dark Lord.

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Beginning of Hogsmeade Trip~~~

Ginny snickered, "Nice man boobs Malfoy."

Draco looked down and sure enough, he had boobs!!!

The occurrence might be exciting for a teenage girl, but Draco was furious.

"Oh you poor baby," Pansy whined. "Now it'll make me look bad to be seen with you," she complained.

"Mandy undo this now!" he ordered.

"What do you mean darling? I don't see any difference," she smirked and turned back to Blaise.

McGonagall came up, "Mr. Malfoy…"

He turned to face her, "What the…" she trailed off again.

"Magical breast implants," he said glumly. McGonagall hated him already and he couldn't prove Mandy had done anything.

"Are you sure there isn't something about your gender you need to tell me?" She asked again as she removed the implants.

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Hermione and Blaise sat at the table behind Draco and Pansy in Madame Puddifoot's tea shop. Hermione hated the décor, but if Pansy was going to drag Draco, she would drag Blaise. After all, if she was going to use Blaise, she was going to do it right.

She would giggle incessently and every few seconds look over at Draco, who was trying to pay attention to Pansy, and failing.

He was angry, she was so infuriating! Over there giggling with his best friend like she was having the time of her life while he was stuck with Pansy. He was going to go to Hogsmeade with Mandy under the pretense of 'showing her around' to avoid Pansy, but now she wouldn't help him.

"Mandy, listen to me," Blaise said, but she was too busy laughing at Draco.

"I'm really a woman," he tried to get her attention.

"That's great dear."

"I want to have your baby."

"Have fun with that."

He sighed, "I'm really Harry Potter in disguise."

"That's nice."

"Mandy will you listen to me?"

"Sorry, what do you want?" She turned to him.

"If you're going to use me to make Draco jealous, all you had to do was tell me."

Hermione gasped, "I would never…"

"You're a Slytherin, of course you would. And since I don't like Pansy much, I'll help. Let's make this convincing."

"Then why'd you ask me out yesterday?" Hermione asked shrewdly.

"A friend of mine dared me to try the cheesiest pick up lines I knew, so I did," he shrugged.

"Hmm, this could be the beginning of something beautiful," Hermione smirked.

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Hermione and Daphne were doing their homework while Draco and Blaise were talking. Actually, that's not true, Hermione was pretending to do her homework while Draco and Blaise were talking. See, when you're holding a book, nobody thinks that you can hear them, so they pretend you're not there (you can learn many interesting things that way!).

"Mandy was great, she helped me pick out some great Quidditch equipment. She just knows what she's talking about!" Blaise gushed.

Hermione held in a laugh, he hadn't been kidding when he said he'd help her make Draco jealous.

Draco wasn't going to let himself be jealous. He knew that she was just Hermione and there was no way he could ever want to date her. She was obnoxious and annoying and gave him fake boobs! There was no way he could ever be jealous of Blaise. In fact, he pitied Blaise. Right?

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"Are you ready for Christmas break?" Daphne asked.

"I guess, I can't wait to get away from school." She said honestly. She was getting sick of pretending to fawn over Blaise and ignoring Draco would be easy if she could stay in her room all day.

"So, what do you want for Christmas?" Daphne asked her.

"Oh, um.. what?" Hermione, the oh so great Hermione, was confused.

"What do you want me to get you for Christmas, we have one more day in Hogsmeade." Daphne explained.

"Oh um, just a book or something you think's interesting. What do you want?" Hermione asked, great, now she had to buy her something.

"I don't really care, candy or something." Daphne answered just as vaguely.

Yes it's the annoying time when you know you have to buy somebody something but they never tell you what they want!

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Hermione wandered with Blaise through Hogsmeade. He handed her something, "They're fake before you get excited, but Draco won't be able to tell the difference." He handed her a jewelry box.

Hermione opened it, it was a beautiful emerald earrings and necklace.

She blushed, "I only got you a new beater's bat."

He shrugged, "That's more useful than fake jewelry."

She sighed, "What should I get Daphne?"

"Well, she'll never tell you this, but she has an odd fascination with firewhiskey, if that helps."

"Thanks Blaise," she kissed him on the cheek and hurried off.

She quickly bought a mysterious book, some candy, and a couple bottles of firewhiskey, hoping that Blaise wasn't joking.

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On the train ride back to King's Cross, Hermione giggled a lot and sat on Blaise's lap.

Draco just stared out the window, but became annoyed when he saw the 'happy couple' and Pansy clearly in the reflection.

They finally arrived. Lucius was waiting with a scowl in his face. He had to pick up Draco and Hermione and he wasn't happy about it.

"There's your dad," Hermione pointed.

"I can see him."

"I was just pointing it out."

"Whatever."

And for the rest of the day, that was the extent of their conversation.

**I personally decided that Hermione and Draco were getting along a little to well for it to be normal in any universe, so they had to fight. Draco pissed her off, which he'll probably regret once she's through with him (no she's not done, yet!)**

**I got rid of Draco's boobs so quickly because I wanted him to suffer with Pansy at Hogsmeade and have him be a little jealous (not that he'll admit it) of Hermione and Blaise.**

**I felt bad for Blaise, so I decided he asked her out on a dare, because I like Blaise and didn't want Hermione to break his heart.**

**My favorite part was Blaise and Hermione in Madame Puddifoots, "I want to have your baby" "Have fun with that" hee hee**

**I'm gonna have fun writing the next chapters because they'll with Voldemort, and he's always fun to mess around with! (Not like that!!!!!)**

**Also, I probably won't post chapter 8 until Monday or Tuesday because I have family visiting this weekend :) (and I have to finish reading Frankenstein by August 3 for school, bleh!)**

**Thanks for all your reviews!!!!!!**

**dramione96: wow, you snickered out loud, i feel so proud!**

**treehilllove23: of course they do!! After all they'll go through by the end of this, they have to! :)**

**voldyismyfather: hmmm, twins! maybe hermione should take some of their ideas! Mwah ha ha ha!**

**i fell into yesterday: yeah, professor sinistra was strange, i'll have to bring her back**

**chihuahuagal13: thanks!! my story has 4 purposes now: making people laugh, annoying my family, giving me something to do, AND annoying Sara!**

**focid 360: definitely, voldy and draco should probably run and hide under a rock, but they're not that smart :)**


	8. Return of the Wolfman

**Sorry it took me so long to post!!!**

"How is my plan working?" Voldemort asked the two teens grandly.

"It was easy, like taking candy from a baby. Although," Hermione stared pointedly at him, "some of us might find that harder than others."

He rolled his eyes, "Is there anybody who dares to doubt my greatness?"

"I assume you mean other than me?"

"Yes," he glared.

"Not that I know of, but this is gonna take time."

"Just ask them," he told her impatiently.

"They won't outright admit it; this'll take time and patience. Jeez, I've met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than yours."

"Just hurry up with it."

She rolled her eyes, "I can't do anything while I'm stuck in here talking to you. Oh, _Riddle_ me this, how'd your raid on Grimmauld Place go?"

"You could have mentioned the place was deserted."

She shrugged, "You didn't ask."

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Q: Quirrel

H: Harry

V: Voldemort

Q: Ahhh, love!!

H: Love, love, love, take that!

Q: Ahhh!

H: Love, love, love, take it like a man!

V: Kill him since I am too weak and pathetic…

Q: The love, it burns!

H: Mwah ha ha ha

"What are you doing?" Voldemort heard squeaky voices and decided to investigate. (Would he never learn?)

Hermione dropped the finger puppets and looked up at him, "You looked much better under the turban."

"Excuse you," he said, quite offended.

"Oh, I didn't sneeze. And what were you thinking using Quirrel. Using people is bad, but using Quirrel was just stupid. He's not intelligent or particularly brave."

As she continued to lecture him on his choice of hosts he walked away. He was so not in the mood.

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Voldemort entered his meeting room for a status update.

Everybody gasped when he entered. "What?" he snapped.

Nobody answered; they didn't want to offend him.

"Don't go there," Draco warned.

But as usual, Hermione ignored him. "Jeez Tommy, don't you ever wash your face?"

"What?" He asked, mortally offended.

"Or do you have a mirror that doesn't break when you look in it?"

"What are you trying to say?" He growled, glaring. He kept reminding himself that he couldn't kill her… yet.

"Acne is caused by not washing your face or large amounts of stress," she informed him.

But she wasn't done; she had a tirade built up, and why not unleash it now? "It can be emotional stress such as anxiety or an overwhelming workload or relationship problems. Or there's physical stress such as a lack of sleep or smoking or doing drugs."

He went to interrupt, but you don't interrupt Hermione once she gets going. "Since I doubt its relationship problems since Bellatrix does whatever you say, and I highly doubt you're a crack head, it's probably a work overload and a lack of sleep."

"Therefore, you should just stop and give up. Think about it, if you stop trying to conquer the world, you'll have plenty of time to sleep and get laid. Besides, the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing is getting a bit old. It's just… no."

He glared. "I do NOT have acne."

"Then you have a really weird birth mark. It's like oozing pus and it's really big and a bright red…" she shuddered and looked away.

Yep, poor ickle-Voldykins had one of those pimples that draw your eyes when you look at his face. It was on his cheek, right below his eye and it was gigantic and bright red, like a stop sign.

Hermione took a deep breath and looked back at him so she could continue. "There are many cures to acne, and if you follow these simple procedures, you'll help prevent a larger breakout. You're very lucky it's just one. Just make sure you wash your face nightly.

"And, I have several acne medications that will help. Look, I can see more sprouting up on your forehead and you don't have hair to cover them. No worries though, I have cover up."

She pulled out a brush and a thing of makeup.

"What the hell?" Draco asked.

She shrugged, "I'm a teenage girl, I carry around make up in my pockets." Then she went to Voldemort and applied some.

She brushed it over his face while he glared at her. "Oh, one way to handle stress is to meditate or do some deep breathing exercises. Maybe you should have listened to me when I suggested yoga."

Finally she was done. The pimples on his forehead were practically invisible and the one on his cheek was still large and obnoxious, but it wasn't red anymore.

But Hermione and Voldemort had two different complexions. She was tan and he worked to keep himself pale (so he'd be more intimidating). So he now had a pale bald head a pale neck which contrasted horribly with his tan face.

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Draco walked into Hermione's room and saw her arguing with someone. Who would be stupid enough to argue with her?

He walked in farther and saw… the sock puppet? Wtf?

"I get 2 tally marks because I used finger puppets AND humiliated him in front of his death eaters!" Hermione said, with a marker in her hand.

The sock puppet took the marker from her and under sock puppet gave himself a tally mark for giving Voldy the pimple.

"Dammit, so I only get one?" Hermione asked. Humiliating Voldy because of the pimple was fun, but it didn't count because it was using the sock puppets work. Sigh

The sock puppet smirked as well a puppet can. They each had one and he was going to get to 3 first and win!!!

Yeah, Hermione and the sock puppet were having a competition to see who could annoy Voldykins 3 times first. They were tied at 1.

Draco looked at the poster board which was titled 'Vexing Voldy and Torturing Tommy'.

He quickly turned around and left.

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Hermione was desperately trying to think of something that would vex Voldy. She couldn't let that damn sock puppet beat her! (Yes Hermione is a very competitive person, what's new?)

Hee hee, she had an idea. She just needed to raid Snape's room… Well, while Hermione was avoiding the greasy potions professor, the sock puppet was plotting.

Yes, sock puppets CAN plot, and plan too, don't be biased!

Anyways, he wanted to win. People never thought he was useful (well Hermione did, but he wasn't acknowledging that now because she's the competition), and he was very useful, well, at least he was if you wanted to annoy somebody.

And annoy somebody he would, he was going to torture Tom.

Ahh, Voldemort never saw it coming…

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"Ah here we are, underneath a bright star," the sock puppet smiled (as well as a sock puppet can). "I  
have a treat, it's cool and it's neat."

Everybody stared as magical arms sprouted from the sock puppet and held up a glass vial.

"It's glass and it'll stink, but it'll make Voldy's head pink."

Before anyone could comment or try to stop him, he poured the potion over Voldemort's bald head. Sure enough, his scalp was a bright, hot pink.

"I've left my mark, and guess what, it glows in the dark." The sock puppet turned out the lights and while everyone stared at Voldemort's glowing head, he slipped out.

He returned to Hermione's room and gave himself another tally mark.

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Hermione saw the poster board. Gah! She'd never win!

There was only one thing left to do.

She smirked as she barged into Voldemort's meeting. He was having a private meeting with Lucius, Snape, and Bellatrix.

"How could you?" she cried out.

"What?" Voldemort asked, bewildered.

"How dare you!" She slapped him.

"Hey, I'm the Dark Lord, you can't slap me!"

She slapped him again.

He slapped her.

She slapped him.

And so it went until they stopped. Their cheeks were both flaming red.

"What did I do?"

"You stole my woman."

"What?" He was shocked.

"Yeah, Bella was my lesbian sex slave and you stole her," Hermione put on a pouty face.

"What?"

"Now you two have fun," She skipped off, taking Lucius and Snape with her.

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Hermione happily drew another tally mark on her carefully constructed poster board. She smiled, one more prank and she'd win.

Before she could gloat, her sock puppet floated in.

"Come with me, it's time you'll see."

She followed it into Voldemort's meeting room. He was giving a lecture to new initiates about being good Death Eaters. "See, one must always wear their mask in a proper fashion."

"Ah my dear, I see your fear. But don't you worry, you'll soon be furry!"

The sock puppet muttered some magical rhyming words and BAM!!

With a flash of pretty lights and some confetti, Voldemort was… hairy?

He was decked out in a fur suit, looking more like a werewolf than an evil dictator wannabe.

He tried to speak, but it came out in a barely understood growl. "That damned sock!!!"

Hermione snickered. She picked up a pot and placed it in his hands. "Now you're hairy potter. Get it?"

The sock puppet shook his head, "That was punny, but not very funny."

However, moments later he started sinking, "Oh potter you rotter, what have you done? You don't take a shower, and you think it's great fun, so now Voldy smells moldy!"

Fenrir Greyback entered, "Is this my new recruit?"

Half the room started laughing at the look on Voldemort's face (mostly covered in black fur), while the other half (the smart half) ran out of fear for their life.

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Well, Hermione had lost, and to a sock puppet nevertheless, but it didn't make furry Voldy any less funny. She had to admit, that sock was pretty clever.

Even though the contest was over, and school was about to continue, she had one more prank to play before she left.

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It was time; she crept into Snape's office and slipped a green vial into her pocket. She walked out, whistling conspicuously.

She headed towards Voldemort's bedroom.

She knocked on the door, when he opened it, she hid.

She knocked on the door, when he opened it, she hid.

She knocked on the door, when he opened it, she hid.

She knocked on the door, when he opened it, she hid.

She knocked on the door, when he opened it, she hid.

No matter how fast he opened the door, she was faster. His biggest problem was that he knew it was her, he just couldn't prove it!

She knocked on the door, when he opened it, she hid.

She knocked on the door, when he opened it, she hid.

She knocked on the door, when he opened it, she hid.

After about an hour, she got bored and walked away.

Several hours later, she headed back to his room and crept in. She laughed as she saw a fuzzy teddy bear tucked under his arm, really sad.

She had work to do…

She poured the potion all over him and left with a complacent smile on her face.

As she headed towards her room, she saw Snape patrolling the hallways.

'Shit' she thought as she tried to hide. But it was too late, he'd spotted her…

"What are you doing?" He demanded.

She opened her mouth to answer him (and probably lie), but he cut her off, "Never mind, I probably don't want to know. Just get back to your room."

And he stalked off. She was left standing happily.

The next morning, Voldy looked in the mirror and screamed like a little girl…

**And now that you're all angry that you don't know what happened (except for Jacqueline)... I'll make my excuses**

**I was gonna type this during lunch at school but I was finishing English homework on Frankenstein (GAH!) and then yesterday I had to study for my AP Human Geography quiz!!**

**Heh heh, I'll have chapter 9 up by Saturday and chapter 10 by Wednesday... :)**


	9. Swine Flu!

**I realized that I forgot to reply to reviews for chapter 7, so here they are (chapter 8 replies are at the end)**

**Dramione96: manboobs, tee hee**

**I Fell Into Yesterday: gracias**

**Thegirlwiththeinkheart: hee hee**

**Nightraze: gracias**

**Treehilllove23: enjoy…**

**Chihuauagirl13- Sarah, with an 'h' now I have to spell it wrong to annoy her…. *evil grin***

**Edwardslily: yeah, unrealistic's my thing because I live in space, Blaise is SO beast!**

**LK-HoGwArTs-hEaDgIrL: gracias**

Voldemort stormed into the room, "Who dares…" he began angrily, but paused when his eyes settled on Hermione.

She shrugged, "Snape's potion."

The Dark Lord rounded on his potion's master, "What kind of potions do you make?"

"I never made that my lord." Snape swore, glaring at Hermione, who smiled sweetly.

Voldemort was more inclined to believe Snape than her, so he turned back around, "Now, tell the truth."

"Fine, I combined a shape shifting potion with some gillyweed and fish food."

Snape stared, that was an ingenious combination (although where she found fish food he had no idea). He had no idea that this troublesome girl actually had a brain. (He'd conveniently ignored her excellent grades.)

Since you guys now only have a slight idea of what Voldemort has become, I shall explain (oh how nice of me).

He had gills on either side of his stomach (he could still breathe air though), and on top of his head was a large fin, and a long fin ran down his back. He still had legs but when he stood with them together it looked like he was standing on a mermaid tail.

Essentially he was an angry-looking blue and green merman. And just to be mean/annoying Hermione had placed a spell on him so that every time he opened his mouth, bubbles came out!

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Hermione had approximately 3 days left of her Christmas Break, and she was determined to avoid Draco and Snape, bother Voldemort, and actually start her homework (or, since she was Mandy not Hermione, steal Draco's and copy it).

However, avoiding Draco wasn't working very well because the Dark Lord 'summoned' them to meet him in his study.

"I have an idea," Voldy announced grandly.

"What is it my lord?" Draco inquired politely.

"Oh boy," Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Hush," Draco hissed.

"To further convince my Slytherins of Mandy's loyalty, she will date you Draco."

Draco gaped and Hermione drummed her fingers on his desk. "I love how you call them YOUR Slytherins; really, most of them don't have the guts to fight for you."

"Did you not hear him?"

"No, I wasn't really listening."

Draco had wondered why she'd been taking it so calmly. "We have to date Granger."

"Oh," she said a little stunned, and then started protesting, "Oh no way, just no way. That's just EWW; I don't want to date HIM!"

"I don't want to date a mudblood…"

But their protests fell on deaf ears, "Draco you have no choice; Granger, it's up to me whether you live… or die."

"Fine," she sighed, "Kill me now."

"Hey," Draco protested, "What's wrong with me?"

"Everything"

"I resent that remark."

"No," she corrected, "You resemble that remark."

"Now, listen up," he ordered, and was surprised to find both of them actually paying attention. "You will have spent a lot of time over break together and decided to date. Make sure they know Lucius and I approve, and if they still complain then you'll have more information about traitors.

"Now make sure you talk a lot, you must get to know each other very well. Do the two of you have any questions?" He asked the routine question. For some reason (aka the purpose of this story), he asked even though nobody was ever stupid enough to dare ask.

Hermione half-raised her hand.

"What?" he glared.

"Why couldn't the Dark Mark be something more socially acceptable?"

Lord Voldemort half growled while Draco just barely kept himself from banging his head on the desk.

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Hermione might be forced to be in Draco's room so they could 'get to know each other' (and not like that you bloody perverts!), but that didn't mean she had to talk (which made it really hard to learn anything but she didn't care).

"Hermione, what's wrong with you? Will you just talk to me so we can get this over with?"

"No," she glared before resuming her incredibly fascinating occupation in staring out the window at absolutely nothing.

"Why not?" he demanded.

"Why would you want to talk to me anyways?"

"Gah! You're impossible," he threw up his arms in defeat.

"I try."

"What are you so pissed about?"

"Nothing"

"Then why won't you talk to me?"

"You mean other than the fact that it's annoying you?"

"Yes." He said and waiting for a response, but she'd gone back to staring out the window and ignoring him.

_If you've forgotten why she's mad it was in chapter 7 (__"Well it's true! No, I take that back, you're an idiot. You're in way over your head Granger; you don't have the brains to survive. I can't wait to see the look on Potty and Weasel's face when they find out," he sneered.)_

"Seriously Granger, we have to do this."

"No," she corrected, "You have to do this, because I don't have the brains to survive so why should I try? Besides, since you really want to see the look on Harry and Ron's faces when they find out I'm dead, I just speed that up for you." And she glared fiercely.

Draco didn't quite know what to say, so he went with whatever came out of his mouth (not always a good thing, but he's Draco and I said he could so…).

"I don't know why I said that, well I kinda do, but think about it, you might be a genius, but you don't understand what Slytherin is like. If anybody in Slytherin knows who you are, they won't hesitate to turn you in and you're dead."

"So I'm supposed to believe you said that to protect me?" She snorted, yeah right.

"I'm a Slytherin," he was more like his normal self now, at least she was talking, "If you screw this up, you screw this up for me too."

"Ahh that's it," she rolled her eyes.

"I'm not sorry for calling you crazy, you are, and you were being stupid," he raised a hand to stop her from interrupting, "But I am sorry for saying I wanted to see your best friends devastated by your death. Now talk to me."

She knew he'd mostly apologized so she'd talk and they could learn about each other, but he was too stubborn to apologize unless he was a little bit sorry, and that was good enough for her.

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H: Harry

V: Voldemort

V: And now, we shall duel to your death, mwah ha ha ha… cough cough cough.

H: Are you a joke, clearly you're a joke. You can't kill me, I'm Harry Potter.

V: Crucio, you can't laugh at me, I'm too bald!

H: Ha, weak curse with your sucky aim!

V: Avada Kedavra!

H: Expelliarmus!

GOLD THREAD UNITES WANDS

H: Ooh, ghosts *sticks his finger through one and giggles*

V: Eek ghosts carry gems! *in an extremely high pitched voice*

H: Ha, coward

V: Ha, Scarface

H: Hey! That was mean!

V: Oh, I'm sorry. But it's okay, you'll be dead soon.

H: *smirks* Right, like that'll happen, magical dead people army attack!

GHOSTS SWARM VOLDEMORT KISSING AND HUGGING HIM WHILE THE MISSING REPORTER LADY RIPS OFF HIS ROBES AND SHIRT

H: *runs toward he cup* I'm Potter, Harry Potter.

DEATH EATERS RUN AT HIM IN SLOW MOTION, CONVENIENTLY FORGETTING THEY HAVE WANDS

H: Haha, suckers, you'll never take me! *disappears*

A FEW SECONDS LATER

H: *pops back* sorry guys, forget my dead body *grabs Cedric's body and leaves again*

Hermione smiled as the assembled Death Eaters watched the scene play out with eyes opened wide in shock, mission accomplished!

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Voldemort walked into his dining room and sniffed. (Yes, he can sniff if he wants to!) He was hoping to smell a delectable aroma, a hint of what dinner would be, but alas, he was disappointed.

The room stank! It smelled like somebody had died! He might enjoy killing people, but that didn't mean he wanted to smell dead bodies while he ate!

He looked around the room and found the source of the smell. It was about 5 pounds of rotting cheese. He stepped closer to make sure it was what he thought it was and he gagged at the stench.

Soon everybody entered to eat and some of the pureblood ladies puked (Lucius had to have his robes dry cleaned).

"What did you do? I'm having an important dinner tonight!" Lord Voldemort asked Hermione.

"I know it's important, see, you can't see my boobs! Besides, aromatherapy is a proven technique."

"What the hell is aromatherapy?" He asked loudly causing everybody to stare and therefore listen to her explanation.

"Aromatherapy involves placing objects that smell good around an area to promote positive thoughts and raise morale."

"Then explain why rotting dairy products will 'raise morale'?" Lucius asked angrily.

"Because you guys are DEATH EATERS, you know you like death, which coincidentally smells pretty bad, and since you guys are evil you needs things that stink."

Voldemort counted to 10 and did some deep breathing, "Just get rid of it, put it somewhere else or something, just not here!"

"Okay," she agreed quickly and with a flick of her wand, it vanished.

During dinner Draco asked, "Where will you put it?"

"Put what?" she asked innocently.

"I'm not stupid…"

She raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

"I'm not stupid," he repeated, "I know how you interpreted what he said."

She smirked, "You'll see."

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The next morning was the last Death Eater meeting before Draco and Hermione returned to Hogwarts. Everybody eyed her warily, wondering what she was going to do, and wondering what the strange buzzing sound they heard was.

The Dark Lord came in oddly late, and he was fuming!

"What happened my lord?" some weirdo loyal Death Eater dude asked.

"There was rotting cheese in my bed last night, and some in my closet, and more in my bathroom!" he half-yelled.

Hermione smirked from her seat in the back of the room and flicked her wand under her chair.

Everybody in the room started plugging their noses and gagging, everybody except Hermione (who came prepared), and Draco (who had known what was going to happen).

Somebody blew out the candles and turned on a real light. Wow, were they surprised at what they saw. There were 10-20 cups of old, smelly milk lining the room and in every corner there was a pound of rotting meat which had attracted flies (hence the buzzing noise).

The Death Eaters ran out immediately (and a couple more intelligent ones apparated). They might claim to be all evil and manly, but rotting food and bugs, well, they'd never survive camping…

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Hermione wasn't done causing trouble!

Sure tomorrow morning she'd be back on the Hogwarts Express, but before then, she decided to help Voldemort out with one of his problems (one of his many problems).

"Since you've stolen Bella from me, I must teach you about the art of kissing. You see, you need skill, soft lips, no drool, and a willing partner. Fortunately, I can help you with most of those things. Since Bella is the only willing person in the WORLD, you'll use her." Hermione smiled. Hehehe

Hermione dragged in Bellatrix Lestrange, who was glaring and muttering death threats under her breathe. When she saw Voldemort she fell to her knees and made out with his shoes.

Hermione bit back a laugh, "See, Bella here knows how to kiss, your feet must be very happy… and slobbery…"

She shook her head to clear her thoughts (she DID NOT want to think about Voldy's feet). "Here we go, let's begin. The first step is soft lips. Here, stick your finger in this and rub it on your lips."

Neither of them put their hand in the bowl, they didn't trust her at all.

"Oh relax, it's just sugar." And to prove it, she stuck her finger in the bowl and then licked it. Yum!

"See, your lips are getting softer already!" Hermione smiled while they reluctantly rubbed sugar over their lips.

"The second step is no drool. This is important because if you drool all over somebody they'll never kiss you again. And while the image of you two kissing anybody is disturbing and has scarred me for life, drool would make it worse.

"Now, keep all saliva in your mouth and we can proceed to step three, skill. Skill is often attained by routine practice. Since there's nobody else you can practice on, unless you kiss your pillows, which is probably the case, you'll practice with each other.

"Now, begin…"

They stared at her blankly, what exactly did she mean by begin?

"Idiots, the word begins means start! So start kissing!"

Slightly scared (not like cowering scared, but omg she's a weirdo wtf scared).

Either way, they started snogging. Hermione tried not to laugh. It just looked wrong.

Hermione interrupted, "No, you're doing it ALL wrong! Stop, pretend Tommy here has a nose, if said lunatic did, you'd never be able to kiss like that. You have to TILT your heads. Now, try again," she ordered impatiently.

They'd never figure out how she knew how they kissed because whenever they began she turned away (it was disgusting…).

"Stop." She ordered again. "The last step, and most important, is to have a willing partner. If said partner realizes how odd you two are, and since it's kinda obvious, you don't have many willing partners. If you kiss someone who isn't willing you'll get your ass kicked, you'll get sued, or worse, they'll sic Mrs. Weasley on you.

"So therefore, you can only snog each other, you Bella's husband, although I doubt he'd appreciate kisses from the Dark Lord, that really only applies to you, Bellatrix. Now, the last thing you need to know is that oranges, soccer balls, glass doors, mirrors, animals, and pillows DO NOT count as willing partners. That is cruel and unusual punishment to force yourselves upon those who would fight back if they could. Although if you try to kiss a cat it'll probably claw you to death, just a warning, so maybe you should try that…."

**Hehe, I finally finished this! Thanks to dramione96 for the kissing idea! If you have any ideas post them in your review or send me a private message! They'll be back at Hogwarts in the next chapter but Hermione will see the Dark Lord again over Easter Break and during the Final Battle.... which may happen like a week after school ends just to give her some time to be at Death Eater headquarters and mess with their minds, but anyways....**

**Sorry this's late and thanks for reading and reviewing!**

**alexlee4samjeane: thanks, I like him too :)**

**dramione96: yep, and we're all still waiting for chapter 14, ahem! Thanks for the ideas! Keep 'em coming they're brilliant!**

**LK-HoGwArTs-hEaDgIrL: Thanks! :)**

**Voldy is my father: yep, i enjoy making people laugh! (especially people who look funny while they laugh... jk!) :)**

**nicconicco: gracias :)**

**chihuahuagirl13: i hate spelling the word chihuahua! i'm always convinced i spelt it wrong! anyways, thanks!**

**focid 360: yep, pointless stuff is my specialty! I work very hard at it, and make it look easy *strikes a pose then starts laughing* hehe**

**Oh yeah, go read my other story It Was War, i like it lots (of course i do i wrote it!) yeah, i'll post chapter 2 of that (about luna) soon...... (which means give me like a week or 2)**


	10. Steal The Damn fire hee hee STDS

Hermione cackled manically, today was going to be a very good day indeed! XD

Ahh, today was the glorious day on which she returned to the institute of her education, Hogwarts (I don't know if that made sense or not, but basically she's one of those strange people who's happy about returning to school, although if I went to Hogwarts I'd be pretty happy about going back). Anyways…

It was about 7:00 am, and somebody was still sleeping… "DRACO!" she yelled, only inches away from his ear.

He instantly shot up, then looked at the clock, "What the hell Granger? Couldn't you have woken me up at like 10:45?" (He wants to pull a Chloe, which is defined as getting up 5 minutes before you leave and still being ready in time, somehow)

"No, how am I supposed to know where to find a flame thrower?"

"Ask Snape or something, I don't care…" he lay back down, then sat back up when her words registered. "What do you need a flamethrower for?" he asked suspiciously.

"Nothing," she smiled sweetly.

He eyed her suspiciously, "I don't believe you."

"I don't care; I just need a flame thrower."

"Why would I have one?"

"I dunno, I just wanted to wake you up… you know, ruin your morning…"

"Grrr," and with that he went back to sleep.

Sigh, now where was she going to find a thrower of flames? Eh, she's an incredibly intelligent witch, she easily transformed Draco's other sock (the one that matches the one that's now a sock puppet), into said flame thrower.

Hehehe, she cackled while grinning evilly. You'd have been very scared if you had seen her, but unfortunately, you just have to take my word for it, it was creepy.

She crept into Voldemort's room (hehe), she had plans!

Voldemort felt heat against his face and instead of finding out what it was, he squeezed his teddy bear and snuggled deeper under the covers.

The heat increased until it was scorching. Finally, he opened his eyes and saw a flame, just inches from his face! He squealed (yes, squealed), and jumped out of bed.

He wasn't very surprised to see Hermione standing in front of him, he just wished he knew how to lock his room to prevent her from entering…

He started yelling, something about how flame throwers were dangerous, how she was an evil child, and how it was just plain rude to enter somebody's domain without permission.

She wasn't really listening (not that she ever did), she was staring at him.

Eventually her staring creeped him out, so he peered in the nearest mirror (which was oddly close). He screamed, and then fainted.

When he came to (because Hermione had thrown freezing water on his face), he looked in the mirror and almost screamed again.

"Congratulations, you're officially bald!" Hermione smiled and shook his hand.

"I've been BALD," he growled, "However, I liked having eyebrows!"

She shrugged, "Sorry," she said, though she clearly wasn't.

"Ugh, what's your problem?"

"Well…"

"Never mind, don't answer that, I don't even want to know. Why'd you feel it was necessary to wake me up with FIRE?"

"Well, you have a Death Eater breakfast at 8:00 so I figured you needed an hour to put on your evil countenance."

"I never scheduled a Death Eater breakfast…"

"Too bad, as Chief White Mask, your presence is required. Now go shower or something because PU, you stink!" She pushed him towards his bathroom.

She left quickly (he really did smell, only it was her fault, after all, he smelled like burning hair). She walked down the hallways whistling and twirling her bestest buddy (Flamey the flame thrower). She needed to wake up Draco for the Death Eater breakfast, and she knew just how to do it….

"Draco," she called sweetly and pulled his covers off.

"Go away!" And he tried to pull his covers back but was met with a HOT surprise.

Hermione was standing there smirked as she turned on her flame thrower and burned his covers to a crisp.

"Nooooo!!!! Dammit, now I have to get up and pack."

"You mean you were going to sleep for several more hours and you haven't packed yet?" Hermione was shocked.

"Obviously, why pack last night? That would be a waste of the last night of break; instead Pansy and I went shopping."

"Oh really? That's great," she smiled (for some odd reason she was annoyed). "Blaise and I went to a Quidditch game, the tickets were very hard to get."

He looked at her funnily, she sounded like she was bragging. But Hermione hated Quidditch and would never brag about something like that, it was one of the things that made her stand out from the rest of the Slytherin girls.

Then his question was answered, Pansy walked in. "Oh hi Drakey."

"Oh shit," he muttered. He remembered Voldemort's orders. "Hey Pansy, we need to talk…"

"Oh no, Drakey, you're not breaking up with me. I'm breaking up with you."

"What?"

"Yeah, me and Blaise are an item now; sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

"What, I thought Mandy was dating him?" Draco looked so confused.

"No," Hermione added hurriedly, "This is what I was trying to tell you. Now we don't have to worry about hurting their feelings and we can be together. Blaise and I broke up the Quidditch match last night, we just liked other people."

"Besides, Blaise is a MUCH better kisser," Pansy smirked and Draco just sorta stood there.

Blaise stuck his hand in the room and gave Pansy and Mandy a thumbs up! :)

After Pansy and Draco left so that she could help Draco pack (Blaise hinted at it).

Once they were gone Blaise gave Hermione a big hug, "Thanks so much!"

"What?"

"Just for us breaking off our fake relationship, after all, I really do like Pansy."

"Are you saying you don't like me?"

"Yep," he stated simply.

"Oh Blaise how could you?" She faked crying.

"Right whatever," he laughed.

She smiled and hugged then went to find some food. After all, relationships and fire can make you hungry.

Draco and Pansy had listened in and she was very happy that she and Blaise were together, after all, her and Draco were SO last year.

At breakfast everybody was very solemn and probably tired; they hadn't known there was an attendance required breakfast in the morning. Oh poor little Eaters of Death, NOT! Ha, I have to be on the bus at 7:40 so they if they don't like it they can suck eggs!

Towards the end of the breakfast Voldemort had a panicked look appear on his face. He grabbed his stomach and quickly left the room, all they heard was a small explosion.

A few minutes later he returned, a nasty odor wafting in with him.

"Umm, I don't think I'll be able to accompany you guys to Platform 9 3/4." A small fart sound was heard and he rushed to the bathroom again.

"What did you do?" Draco asked.

"Absolutely nothing, I believe it's his bowel you should blame."

"Really?"

"Okay," she smiled, speaking kinda loudly so that several others would hear her, "I slipped a laxative in his food, he'll be on the toilet all day."

An explosion shook the building.

"What kind of laxative?"

"A magical one that causes explosive diarrhea," she giggled.

They heard a small voice say, "I'm okay." A couple good Death Eaters rushed to see if their Master was okay, but most wanted to get away from the stench.

Lucius and Snape sighed (one knowing it was Hermione and the other being used to her annoyingness), they'd escort the children to the train station.

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Before they entered their compartment on the Hogwarts Express Draco drew Hermione aside and confronted her, "So you and Blaise were 'fake' dating?"

"Yeah, basically." She admitted, she wasn't even going to bother lying.

"Why?" he asked, still not sure why he cared, they were allowed to be weirdos if they wanted to.

"Well Blaise just wanted to a. date someone, and b. annoy other people that wanted to date me and I figured it would make my disguise more believable." Hermione explained, not sure why she was lying… after all, what did she have to hide?

Draco sighed, "That definitely sounds like Blaise."

This time the eavesdropper was Blaise, and now he was a very suspicious Blaise.

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Hermione walked into Hogwarts her heart racing. She wasn't sure why, but she was excited. Maybe it was because she'd survived several weeks with the most evil wizard of her time, maybe it was because she was back in her favorite place, or maybe it was because she and Draco had reached a truce. (It's a combo. of all 3 if you couldn't figure it out)

At dinner there was a girl sitting all alone at the end of the table. JuliaRoger140 sat with everybody ignoring her. Hermione felt bad, she wanted to sit with her, but she couldn't. She didn't need to jeopardize her mission.

"What's her problem?" Draco asked, pointing a finger towards her lone silhouette.

Pansy snickered, "She's such a whore."

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked, her Gryffindor curiosity getting the better of her.

"She's doomed," Pansy smiled as though she was extremely happy.

"How?" Hermione said, getting annoyed. She just wanted to know why JuliaRoger140 was doomed; she didn't care about Pansy's problems.

"Well, we don't have a cure for AIDS yet…" she trailed off as Snape began his welcome back speech.

Back in the common room Hermione cornered Draco, "Shouldn't you guys be sad that she's gonna die? After all, she's a Slytherin, right?"

"Yeah, but she was a real bitch. I know you think we're all jealous and evil and have superiority problems, but Slytherin house is very structured. You have people you don't mess with and she messed with them, she thought she was cooler than she was, so none of us are sad to see her leave."

Hermione sighed.

"Besides, we're just glad she's not pregnant," Draco smirked.

"I know I'm gonna regret asking, but do you know who she got it from?"

"Why? Trying to make sure you don't make the same mistake?" Pansy sneered as she entered the conversation. She eyed Hermione's tight, low-cut red top that showed her belly above her low-rise jeans.

"Sure," Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Anyways, she's so ugly even her crabs have herpes. But she got crabs from Crabbe, and gonorrhea from Goyle and HIV/AIDS from Rabastan Lestrange."

"Isn't he old?"

"Sorta, he's like in his 30's but she was so desperate to get some that she'd do it with anyone."

Normally Hermione would think that she was being abnormally cruel, and I guess she sorta was, but when it came down to it, JuliaRoger140 was a bitch who was just getting what was coming to her. She was the kind of teenager that old ladies scorn and call 'loose' so she was doomed. Besides, she remembered JuliaRoger140 flirting with Harry last year when everyone was obsessed with the 'Chosen One'.

Draco smirked, "You don't seem so annoyed at Pansy's obvious glee."

"Well, why not? She only got what was coming to her. But why is Pansy so ecstatic?"

"Well, one of the people she messed with was Pansy, she kept trying to spread rumors and take her 'throne', let's just say that that made Pansy VERY unhappy."

"That's an understatement, I thought Pans would kill her then and there," Blaise commented. "Her face was red and she had this creepy Slytherin glare on, she was out for blood, but Snape intervened. Although, JuliaRoger140 did get detention."

"Why? Just because she pissed off Pansy."

"Well, detention was better than death. Besides, she'd started so many fights that Snape wouldn't have been able to keep his job because Pansy would've complained to Lucius. And you know how Lucius loves to get people fired or kicked out of school." Blaise explained.

"Yes, Draco told me about his stupid actions with a hippogriff and how his father severely overreacted."

Blaise looked amused, "Draco said that?"

"Not in so many words," Hermione admitted.

"Right…" Blaise laughed while Draco merely glared.

"You glare way too often Draco," Hermione said reprovingly.

"Oh shut up, it's not my fault you're annoying," he glared.

"Yes it is,"

"How?" he challenged.

"I don't know it just is."

"Draco, don't bother arguing, you're not gonna win if you don't understand her logic," Blaise intervened.

Hermione smirked but Draco was slightly annoyed, "Like you understand her twisted logic Blaise."

"Nope," he admitted good-humoredly. "But I, unlike you, am smart enough to accept that she's a female and therefore has crazy odd logic that makes absolutely no sense."

"Hey, my logic makes perfect sense!" Hermione protested.

"Really," Blaise said disbelievingly, "How is it Draco's fault that you annoy him?"

"Oh shut up Blaise."

"Ha, I am right!"

Hermione hit him on the head, and they laughed.

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Hermione slipped into the seventh year girl's dorm. She just had to know.

She opened the lid of the trunk; at the bottom buried under clothes, was the book. She cast a 'reavealo' charm on it, and smiled.

Daphne had kept it!

This was great! She now had enough information to confront her.

"Hey Daphne," Hermione dragged her into an empty classroom. She held up the book, "What's this?"

Daphne's face visibly paled. "Um, it's some trash I got anonymously over break; lots of purebloods get that stuff." She looked nervous.

"But most purebloods don't keep them," Hermione pointed out.

"Wait a second," Daphne said suspiciously, "How'd you know I had it?"

"I…" but Hermione was at a loss for words.

"Well, we have Mandy Beausoleil caught red-handed. The only way you could've found it is if you knew it was there. You sent this to me."

Rather than lie or defend herself Hermione held up her hands, "Look, my hands aren't red."

"It's an expression," Daphne snapped.

"A MUGGLE expression," Hermione smirked.

"Oh whatever, you already know I'm a traitor, but the real question is what you plan to do with the information." Daphne stared at Mandy expecting her to tell her she was doomed and that the Dark Lord would have her blood.

"Relax; I plan on helping you, on one condition."

Daphne sighed, "What is it?" She didn't want to do Mandy a favor, not after this, but she knew that the Dark Lord didn't take kindly to those who sought to betray him.

"Do exactly what I say, if you do, you'll be safe."

"Okay then, what do I need to do?" she agreed.

"Take this note to Luna Lovegood, she's a Ravenclaw, she'll recognize my handwriting. She'll get you to a Gryffindor or the Order which will find a way to protect you. Tell your parents that you'll be staying at school over Easter Break and then we'll set my plan into motion."

"Okay, I've got that, but what favor do you want me to do for you?" she asked, eyeing her cautiously.

"Don't tell anyone I helped you and keep your betrayal a secret until break, I'm not kidding," Hermione half-pleaded, "If you don't do those, I'll turn you into the Dark Lord."

"Got it, and thanks," Daphne gave her a hug, her mind trying to figure out what was going on.

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"Guess what?" Draco smirked.

"What?" Hermione asked suspiciously, "Oh, and then I have news."

"Yeah, they captured Luna to make her father stop lying in his newspaper."

"What?!?!"

"You heard me, now what did you want to say?"

"Oh, nothing," she said, running her fingers through her hair distractedly.

"Okay," he walked away, giving her a strange look.

_Dammit,_ she though angrily. And she wasn't angry at Draco, she was angry with herself. She had been about to tell him about Daphne, she was so excited. But he would have told the Dark Lord! She had been far too friendly with him and far too trusting.

She pushed Draco out of her thoughts; she had more important things to deal with. She didn't know how to help Daphne now. What was she going to do now that Luna was gone?

**Hehe, yeah.**

**If you're wondering who JuliaRoger140 is, she's a girl that left a really nasty review: You and Dramione96 are friends, right? Ok, well lemme break to both of ya'll.  
You. Both. Suck. REALLY BAD. No, wait, I take that back. You suck, but not as  
much as your stupid friend, Dramione96 over there, with her retarded story. At  
least you're stupid with a purpose. That other girl's story stinks so bad, I  
wouldn't be surprised if there were flies hovering around her computer screen.  
I've already reviewed her, in case you're curious. So you can go check out  
what I wrote. (I didnt write down everything i felt. If i did, she would  
commit suicide tonight) So, yeah, whatever. Tell her to get lost. She's not  
worth the time, nor is her story. Have a nice life, amazingtofu. See ya.**

**So it sorta pissed me off, besides she got it wrong, Dramione96's story had a point, mine only sorta does and yeah, i'm trying to be stupid... i can take criticism so this was kinda funny, but i wanted revenge XD**

**yeah anyways:**

**hobosshinypenny: thanks so much for your review!**

**edwardslily: thanks, i'll send you a message eventually, i just keep getting sidetracked and forgetting**

**lk-hogwartsheadgirl: thanks!!!**

**voldyismyfahter: yeah, hermione definitely isn't very gloomy :)**

**Dramione96: yeah thanks for all your great ideas, they is very amusing!!!**

**angel jjk: thanks :)**

**focid 360: yeah chapter 9 was me taking up space with some silly stuff before they got back to school, although i enjoyed it (of course I did i wrote it!) anyways, thanks for the encouraging review!!**

**And, one must always give credit where credit is due: Dramione96 gave me the idea for the flame thrower and the laxatives.... :) hehe**

**let me know in a review, private message, or email ( at yahoo . com) if you have any ideas you'd like to see in the story!****  
**


	11. Left shoes smoke weed!

**So definitely dedicated to everybody who has reviewed so far, especially my friends who bother me to update, but to be specific, this chapter is dedicated to starangel0 who left a review that made my day: 'lol, JuliaRoger140 should buy a life with the money she earns as a whore..  
anyway i liked it a lot XD it's funny ;)'**

One morning Hermione received an owl.

"What does it say?" Draco was curious as to why she was laughing so hard.

"Here," she shoved the parchment at him.

_Congratulations Lucius Malfoy,_

_You have been accepted as a playboy bunny! We believe you'll add some spice to our magazine._

_Sincerely, Lugh Leffner_

"What did you do?" Draco asked, horrified.

"I sent in a picture of your dad; obviously he was accepted," she giggled.

"He's not gonna like this," Draco muttered.

"I was feeling 'nice' so he'll get a copy of this letter. I'm sure that'll give him time to 'fix' this."

"He's going to kill you."

Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"Or the other way around," he finished, scooting towards Blaise on his other side.

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Hermione was sick and tired of listening to Draco's whining. He couldn't stop complaining about well, everything.

"Seriously Malfoy, shut the hell up." She finally burst.

"What's your problem Granger?"

"I thought it was obvious Malfoy," she sneered, "You're my problem. You're just some whiny spoiled murderer."

"I thought we'd settled the fact that I can't kill." Yes, he couldn't come up with much more to say.

She rolled her eyes, "Whatever, you're just some pathetic Death Eater, you're so full of hate it's repulsing!"

"Hey!"

"Oh don't deny it!"

"Too bad, I am. I've never claimed I wanted to be a Death Eater."

"So? You've never been a nice person, you're just… ugh!" She threw her hands up in the air.

Hiding his hurt, he sneered, "Well, you're just some friendless know-it-all bookworm."

Blinking back tears, she left.

Once she was gone, Draco fell onto the couch, wondering what had happened. Why did it offend him that she thought he was a Death Eater? Why would that bother him? After all, he wanted to be one, right?

Hermione ran, not knowing quite where she was going. She ended up collapsing under a tree by the lake. Tears spilled over and she didn't bother to wipe them away.

"What's wrong?" Blaise sat next to her.

"Nothing"

"I don't believe that, now tell the truth." He ordered.

"Meh"

"As if that's the best you can do."

"Fine, Draco called me a 'friendless know-it-all'."

Blaise lifted her chin up and made her look him in the eyes, "Why?" (Gah, cheesy moment!)

"What do you mean why? He's just a jerk."

"No," Blaise said firmly. "He might be a bastard sometimes, but he wouldn't say those things to you unless you provoked him."

"Whatever, I just said that he was a Death Eater."

Blaise rubbed his chin, "Ahh."

Hermione laughed, "So you know what his problem is?"

"No, I just felt like being weird."

But Blaise was a Slytherin and by default, a decent liar. He was pretty sure he knew what Draco's problem was, but now Blaise had a problem, getting the blonde to admit it.

Blaise slipped back into the Slytherin Common Room to find Draco lying on a chair staring dejectedly at the ceiling.

Blaise sighed, "I know she hurt you your feelings mate, but this is just pathetic."

"I don't know what you mean." Draco said stubbornly.

"Yes you do, Hermione told me." Blaise smirked.

"Really? I'm sure it made me look SO evil."

"Only if I didn't know you better than that, but don't worry, I know you pretty well."

Draco groaned.

"Relax man; it's not a big problem. She said she called you a Death Eater and you called her some names that offended her, all in all, sounds like a normal day for you two."

Draco glared, Blaise's humor wasn't helping.

Blaise sighed, "Draco, you've got to tell me the truth, do you want to be a Death Eater?"

"Of course I do, why wouldn't I? It's practically what I've been raised to do."

Blaise raised an eyebrow, "The Dark Lord was gone for most of your life…"

"But still Blaise; think about it, it's all my dad talks about, that and the honor and money, and how much he wants this…"

"But what do you want?"

And Draco found that Blaise had finally asked a question that he didn't have an answer to, no smart-ass retort, no glare, nothing. He didn't know what he wanted, and now, he had to figure it out. Damn Blaise, now he had to think.

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Snape glared at the girl sitting in front of him. He didn't even want to know why she was in his office today.

"Not to be rude or anything…" Hermione began.

Snape groaned, whatever she said was guaranteed to be either rude, offensive, or annoying (or on one of her worse days, all 3).

"Are you smoking pot?" she asked bluntly.

He stared at her, "What?" Why the hell would he smoke pot? (Yes wizards can get high off of illegal drugs).

"You know," she demonstrated smoking with her fingers, "A pothead? Smoking marijuana, weed, grass, mary-j? Ringing any bells?....... Nope? Sigh, I thought that was it, it would certainly explain things.

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The next morning, outrage broke out among the students. "How the hell am I supposed to get dressed?"

"Where's my other shoe?"

"Did you take it you bitch?"

Hermione snickered quietly as her roommates began fighting; they were pulling hair and clawing each other.

She just ignored her missing shoe and headed down to the common room. There the guys had flipped over couches looking for where they had left their other shoe.

"Seriously," Blaise said annoyed, "I could've sworn it was in that corner with my right shoe!"

"You're missing your left shoe? Me too!" Draco said… when Hermione entered, he groaned.

"What's wrong? She asked quite innocently.

"We can't find our shoes."

"But there's one right there," she picked it up but dropped it when its stench reached her nose.

"Yeah, but that's a right shoe, none of us can find our left shoes, they're completely gone!"

Draco had watched Hermione's exchange with the fifth year boy suspiciously. She wasn't hiding a smile, she wasn't wearing her left shoe, and she didn't seem to be responsible. But that didn't reassure him, she'd spent half a year as a Slytherin and for somebody as smart as Hermione that was plenty of time to become a good liar.

All wearing one shoe the Slytherins trooped to the Great Hall. Each had their own theories, although they had learned not to voice them.

"I bet it was those damned Gryffindors, stupid bastards," Theodore Nott had tried to say. Although he never got the words out completely because his mouth filled with rainbow foam.

THAT was what convinced Draco it was a Gryffindor, although he didn't say that because he didn't think rainbow foam would taste very good. And technically Hermione was a Gryffindor…

Hehe, the teachers trooped in about five minutes late. Alecto Carrow walking funny because her left foot was barefoot and on her right she was wearing a heel. Snape was glaring at everybody but McGonagall looked mildly amused. She had been sensible and transfigured something into a left shoe.

Snape stalked out half way through to go to his office when they heard a muffled yelp. All the students rushed out, hoping he was dead… but he wasn't. He'd just been buried alive by hundreds of left shoes.

Everybody scrambled around, trying to find their shoes.

Hermione watched the chaos and smirked, she just threw her other shoe into the fray and headed to the library. She figured she had plenty of time left before they actually went to class… she was mostly wrong.

First period started earlier than Hermione had anticipated.

She heard the bell and rushed to her Dark Arts class.

Professor Carrow glared at her, "You're late."

She sat down, "I'm not late, the bell just rang before I got here."

Said Professor rolled his eyes and continued teaching. Hermione pretended she cared about how to correctly perform the Cruciatus Curse. And she did a pretty good job of looking attentive while her mind wandered.

_Hmm, I like letting my mind wander in class… I don't do it very often… I wonder what the blowfish is talking about… let me listen for a minute._

_Oh, just the Cruciatus Curse… that's annoying, I can't actually learn anything about my enemy… other than the fact that he's a sadistic bastard, but I already knew that… sigh._

_Well… ooh look, that giant squid's waving to me… he's pretty. I'm happy he didn't eat Harry in our fourth year… he's pretty, the squid I mean, not Harry. Well, I guess Harry's pretty, but he doesn't brush his hair very often… But the squid is pretty, he's like purple and blue and green, although he's a little slimy._

_Hey, there's Hagrid. He doesn't look happy, I think it's cause Snapey took his pink umbrella… you know with his wand and all…_

_La di dah did ah. Umm… there's the tree where Draco and I mean Malfoy said he wished he could have done that… I wish I could have done that._

She drew a ferret and levitated it onto Draco's desk.

Carrow picked it up, "Why do you have a picture of a ferret on your desk Malfoy?"

The Gryffindors snickered and the Slytherins glared (except for Blaise who found it mildly amusing).

_Hehe…_

_History of Magic…_

_I have to be a normal student now, which means I can't take notes or pay attention… oh well, I can always read the textbook later._

_Wow, staring at the ceiling… this is fun… not._

_Binns' voice is actually rather soothing, it's lulling me to sleep…_

Pretty soon Hermione (Mandy) joined the other 10 or so sleeping students.

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"Hey Daphne, can you show me your notes for Dark Arts. I want to review them."

"Sure let's go to the library."

Draco watched suspiciously as they left, eagerly chatting about the class.

"Where are we going?" Daphne inquired. She knew that Mandy didn't really need to see her notes and she figured this had something to do with her little 'secret'.

"A secret room where we definitely won't be overheard." And that was all Hermione would say, just in case there was somebody else in the hallway".

"I want a place where no Carrows can get in," she repeated silently as she paced back and forth across the wall the hid the Room of Requirement.

The door appeared and she and Daphne walked in.

They were met at wandpoint, there were nearly 100 students pointing their wands at them.

Hermione had become pretty good at thinking on her feet and analyzing potentially dangerous situations (and of course she recognized the DA) so when Daphne obediently laid down her wand, Hermione just laughed.

A 7th year Ravenclaw shot a complex spell at her. (It was a more advanced expelliarmus, it had the same purpose but was harder to block.)

She slashed her wand through the air and the other spell dissolved harmlessly, much to the student's surprise.

The room gaped and Hermione smirked (recently she had found she rather liked smirking).

"Now," she said in her bossiest, most know-it-all, prefect voice, "Hopefully you were smart enough to block this from Carrow supporters, which we aren't…"

She was cut off as the room exploded in yells and accusations… 'filthy Slytherins'.

Hermione stood on the magically appearing chair. "Sit down and shut up!" Her voice had gone from bossy to bossy and dangerous (sorta like the voice that convinced Voldy to send her back to Hogwarts).

Ginny muttered, "It's the slut from Diagon Alley," but a glare from Hermione stopped her insults.

The Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws sat down, but the Gryffindors (especially the 7th years) gaped, they recognized that voice!

"Now listen and listen well, since we're here, you'll help us. We're on your side, although you don't know it. Now, if you're not a Gryffindor get out and keep your mouth shut or I'll sew it shut for you."

She felt kinda mean but she didn't want to trust too many people and she spent 6 years with Seamus, Neville, Parvati, and Lavender so she knew they'd believe her easiest.

And because I don't want to deal with too many characters she kicked out everybody but Ginny, Colin, and the seventh years.

"What the fuck?" Seamus exploded.

"Oh shut up," Hermione snapped. She was in a pissy mood because of the stress and fear… you should have seen her before she took her OWLs.

"How did you guys get in here," Neville asked, worried about their security.

"Relax, here's the deal… I'm a Gryffindor and I started the DA the first time, besides, neither of us support the Carrows."

"Right… okay then… do you need to see Madame Pomfrey?" Seamus asked.

"Hush Seamus," Ginny said, "The Room of Requirement wouldn't let them in unless they were on our side… no matter how odd that seems."

"Daphne doesn't want to support the Dark Lord anymore, and I can't go to Luna for help, so you guys are it."

"How did you know we were meeting here?" Neville asked, still confused as to how they knew to go there.

"We didn't," Hermione admitted, "I just knew the Room of Requirement was a safe place for us to talk about how to solve our problem. I didn't expect you guys to be in here."

"You didn't seem surprised to see us," Seamus stated, ever the master of conspiracy theories.

Hermione took a deep breath, now or never, "I told you I started the DA the first time…" She glared at Seamus, "No I'm not insane… I figured the DA would resume meetings this year because the Carrows and Snape are unbearable."

Daphne sighed, "Get over yourself and either tell us who the hell you are or don't, but stop being all secretive already… it's overrated."

Hermione glared… "Fine then, ruin all my fun, I'm Hermione."

They gaped and Seamus started laughed, "I told you she was insane."

"Oh shut up Finnigan."

He stopped laughed, "Blimey Granger, is that really you?"

"Took you long enough dumbshit, Luna figured it out for herself."

"Well Luna does love conspiracy theories," Ginny muttered.

"We need you to help Daphne get out of here," Hermione said nervously.

"What? Are you crazy? We can't do that, we don't have enough power."… Ginny

"What the hell? She's a Slytherin!"… Seamus

"We can't take that risk."… Neville

"It's a bigger risk leaving her in a snake pit. If you don't help us, she'll be dead by the end of the year."

"Hey!" Daphne interrupted, "I won't be dead, I've survived Slytherin for 7 years, I can't make it through this one." (And I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for you meddling kids and your dog.)

"Listen, the Dark Lord keeps sending me letters, he wants me to find a traitor. And if I don't find one soon he'll get pissed and think I'm not doing anything. If you don't leave than it's your problem, but I will NOT die for you when you have the opportunity to get out."

Hermione liked Daphne but if she had an oppurtunity to escape then she'd better take it, because Hermione was also slightly fond of living.

"Okay then," Daphne took it in stride while the others watched in morbid fascination. They hadn't know Hermione had a slightly mean side… and the whole working for the Dark Lord thing surprised them.

"I think you need to explain some things Hermione," Parvati asked and the Room changed into a room with couches.

They all sat down and looked expectantly at Hermione.

She fiddled nervously with the hem of her skirt, "Well, I got captured by Death Eaters. They found me passed out, apparently I'd fallen and hit my head on a rock… I don't remember where I was or how I got there. I convinced the Dark Lord to send me back to Hogwarts. He agreed on one condition:

"I became a Slytherin and essentially a spy for him."

"So you're spying for the Dark Lord?"

"He figured I'd do anything to stay alive… including betray people… like the Slytherins who weren't loyal. He was wrong obviously considering we're here… but still, he thinks I'm just dysfunctional."

"From what we've seen in class, that's not hard to believe," Seamus looked at her in slight awe…. He was still having problems believing the girl who caused so much trouble was really Hermione, who had always discouraged misbehaving.

"Well, I figure he'll kill me at the end of the year… so I want to have some fun before then."

"But you won't die for me?" Daphne asked, sorta kinda laughing to show that she was sorta, kinda kidding.

"No, because you have a chance to get out… and I don't really plan on dying anytime soon."

"But you said…"

"Yeah, he'll probably want to kill me… I aggravate him quite a bit, but I don't plan on letting him succeed." She seemed to find that mildly amusing.

"Okay then… well how do we help Daphne," it was Lavender, surprisingly, who brought the conversation back on track.

"Well, here's the deal. I'll send the Dark Lord a letter this weekend saying that she's a traitor, but by the time he acts… she'll be gone. This weekend is a Hogsmeade weekend so she'll disappear somewhere there and then go to wherever Order headquarters is now."

"Its…" Ginny began.

"I don't want to know," Hermione said seriously. "We just need a place to put her in Hogsmeade until she can get to the headquarters."

"Well, Fred and George have a building they bought where they want to open up a Hogsmeade branch of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes…" Ginny suggested.

"Then we need a key," Parvati said easily.

Hermione marveled at how she and Lavender had changed. They were still fashion oriented but they'd definitely reacted well to reality.

She just had to give them a hug… so she did. "I really have missed you guys," she found herself saying. She hadn't realized how much she'd missed her boy crazy roommates until she saw them again.

"Aww, we missed you too 'Mione," and they hugged. :)

**Yeah, i finished this like 2 weeks ago but then i lost my flashdrive... :( yeah, it had ch 2 of hell and ch 2 of it was war and ch 3 of we are sisters on it... sigh**

**anways, i realized that i'd uploaded this chapter as a docx file to send to my beta.... right now i'm waiting on her to approved the docx connection so yeah i found this again and now you're reading it!!**

**Updates will be slow for november because i'm doing nanowrimo which means i have to write a 50,000 novel by the end of november.... yeah**

**Thanks to:**

**chihuahuagirl13: gracias**

**starangel0: thank you so much i loved your review!!!!!**

**2random4words: i think i can manage that within the next few chapters.. hehehe**

**LK-HoGwArTs-hEaDgIrL: thanks**

**focid 360: yeah, trying to make the characters realistic isn't exactly my goal... the plot thickens a lot towards the end too hehehe**

**angel jjk: thanks**

**AyrawhsiaAliel: i can spell backwards!! anyways, i'm not going to deny it, this isn't a normal story... :)**


	12. The Kiss

**A/N: BTW Harry and Ron are out hunting Horcruxes… and ignore that I mentioned Colin in the last chapter, it totally slipped my mind that he's muggleborn and wouldn't be there… oops… and enjoy:**

The weekend came soon enough and Hermione was all ready to write the perfect letter to the Dark Lord… mostly. She was really nervous… After all, if Daphne didn't get out quickly then she'd be dead.

See, Hermione was writing her letter on a Saturday, and the students didn't go to Hogsmeade until Sunday… what happened if the Dark Lord actually pulled his act together with enough time to get here before Daphne was gone?

She started laughing, like _that_ would ever happen….

She got to work in the Slytherin Common Room composing the letter…

_Oh Great Bald One,_

_It has recently come to my attention that you're not as cool as you act and therefore do not have as many followers as you seem to think. I believe you pay me (yes, you will be sending me some money…) to detect those who aren't loyal to you. And since I'm not fond on many people, this was hard for me to do yet easy on my conscience. Daphne Greengrass has revealed herself to be a traitor to your oh-so-not-noble cause… I'd say I was sorry… but I'm not. Have fun with that information…_

_Mandy Beausoleil_

Draco peered over her should, "How the hell can you be writing that? Why would you turn in someone who wants to help you?"

"Relax, dumbshit, I have a plan. Hold on… you should be happy I'm doing this… what's wrong with you?"

"Daphne's my friend. You can't just turn her in for money," he protested.

She snorted, "Honestly Draco? You think I'm really gonna let her get caught? You're stupider than I thought you were. Trust me, I'm extremely intelligent, everything will work out." And she began giggling.

He didn't quite believe her. Yes, he knew not to underestimate her, but still, she didn't know exactly who she was dealing with. "Mandy, you have to be careful. He's very cunning, he was a Slytherin… he isn't an idiot."

She stopped laughing, mostly. "Draco Malfoy, that's a lie. Besides, Crabbe and Goyle are Slytherins and they aren't very intelligent, not to offend their amazing eating skills or anything, but they're not very frightening. And I'm not worried about the Dark Lord; he thinks he has all the time in the world, but his time will run out eventually… the idiot."

"Just, be careful," he cautioned her one more time.

"I will be," she assured him, slightly touched that he cared when there was nobody in the room.

It was silent for a few minutes but then Blaise came down the stairs. When she saw him carrying two broomsticks she properly examined what they were wearing: their Quidditch uniforms.

"Where are you two going?"

"Umm, the Quidditch pitch… note the brooms…" Draco smirked.

"Haha yeah… but why just the two of you? Where's the rest of the team?"

"We're the co-captains," Draco thrust his chest out proudly; "We have to get in some extra practice."

"Right, that actually makes sense for once..."

"Are you saying we don't normally make sense? Because I'd have to argue with that," Blaise warned her.

"Maybe, maybe not," she shrugged.

"Well," he grinned, "since you and Draco are dating I think you should come and watch me kick his ass in Quidditch."

"Hey, I'm not normally a chaser thank you very much. If we were chasing the snitch you'd totally be dead. But seriously Mandy, do you want to come?" Draco asked.

He looked so hopeful that Hermione just couldn't bring herself to say no, "Yeah, I'll come. Just let me get dressed."

Well, he didn't really look too hopeful or anything, but she was surprised that he did look even a little hopeful… like he honestly wanted her to come and watch.

As she threw on some tight jeans and a tight shirt she wondered why she was even going. And as she put on her makeup she stopped… Why was she going? She never went to watch Harry and Ron practice, no matter how much they asked, and they were her best friends.

Well, she knew the real answer, but she didn't want to think about that. After all, it couldn't be true, could it? She couldn't actually be starting to like him or anything? No of course not, she was only going to keep her cover… right?

She hurried back down the stairs. "Okay then. Let's go."

As they were walking towards the pitch Hermione asked, "Where's Pansy?"

"She needed her beauty sleep," Blaise laughed. "That sort of thing is a lose-lose situation… if you tell her she's beautiful and she doesn't need it then you're telling her she's wrong, and if you agree then you're calling her ugly."

Draco snickered. "Just nod and say 'you're the boss.' It makes them feel special…"

"Not really," Hermione argued. "You're supposed to say something sweet like 'well, you're so beautiful already, but whatever you say goes', then they're really happy." She turned to Draco, "If you ever say something like that to me, I will slap you."

Blaise laughed and Draco looked confused. "But you just said that was sweet."

"It's what most girls want to hear, but that's just over the top and a little bit creepy… got it?"

"You're the boss," he muttered. She was definitely a strange one… 'This is what girls like, but don't use it on me', well that's just plain annoying.

* * *

"What are you doing?" Draco peered over Hermione's shoulder. "What the hell?"

"I got bored. Should I sign them as 'Anonymous' or something else?"

Pansy glanced at the letters and snickered, "Sign them as Julia."

Normally Hermione wouldn't even think about doing such a thing, but she'd seen Julia make a first year cry the other day, so she figured revenge was revenge.

_Dear Argus,_

_I just wanted to let you know how much I admire you and wish we could be together. I recently came of age and figured the now was a good time to tell you of my feelings for you._

_Love Julia_

And of course there were similar copies sent to Snape and both Carrows.

The next day could be very interesting, Hermione thought and smirked and she attached the letters to the leg of one of the Hogwarts owls. Very interesting indeed.

The next morning at breakfast Snape and the Carrows alternated glaring at Hermione (Snape told the Carrows that it was probably her because she was a demented child) and Julia (they couldn't be completely sure who it was and decided to divide the hate).

Filch on the other hand was convinced the girl was in love with him and was incredibly offended. He had his cat and that was all he needed. As he hobbled past the Slytherin table he clutched Mrs. Norris close to him and glared at the poor girl. He muttered under his breath, "Let's go my pretty, let's go past here very quickly… yes, these are dangerous waters…"

Hermione looked at Daphne and Daphne smiled back nervously.

After breakfast they headed into Hogsmeade. Hermione quickly performed a disillusionment charm on her friend and whispered, "Just go to the back door of the Hog's Head. There the Weasley twins will be waiting." Daphne quickly ran off.

The second she was gone Draco and Blaise came over, "The Dark Lord is looking for Daphne, he just came to the school. When he found out she was gone he was really pissed."

Hermione bit back a smirk, her plan had worked. "I don't know where she went. We were going to go to Hogsmeade together but she had to go to the bathroom. She was all like 'Go to Hogsmeade without me, I have these really bitchy cramps'. That's the last I heard from her."

Yes, just because Hermione was helping Daphne didn't mean she had to be completely nice about it. It's not like she and Daphne had ever been friends before…

Draco gave her a suspicious look, but Blaise looked excited, "Can I please be the one to tell the Dark Lord? I want to see the look on his face."

"Okay, you go do that Blaise," Hermione laughed and Blaise ran off. When he was gone she turned to Draco, "Isn't it bad for him to admit that?"

"Probably, but it's Blaise. Even if you were to report him, the Dark Lord would probably just laugh at you. Let's go get something at the Three Broomsticks, it's freezing out here."

Once that had two butterbeers and were sitting down Draco asked, "What really did happen to Daphne?"

"She's gone, I had somebody come and get her this morning. And no, I'm not telling you where," Hermione told him, surprising not only Draco, but herself as well. She really didn't know why she told him the truth (other than the fact the author made her…). Lily read this line and made a dubious face. "Remember what I said about in-text author's notes?" she sighed. But she would leave it up to Ashley to decide. (Bad idea XD)

* * *

Draco and Hermione used to be almost-friends, then she insulted him and he was happy about Luna being captured and everything tumbled downhill, now they were only fake friends… and Draco had to _think_, which can never end well.

And, well, Draco had decided he was actually going to do some thinking… it's not like there was anything better to do in History of Magic… really, there wasn't.

_Goddamit, Blaise and his mouth are really starting to interfere with my sleeping time._

_Why couldn't the Dark Lord just have killed Hermione… I mean Granger… when he found her? And why the hell did he feel the need to involve me in attempt to be evil? I know I shouldn't think this or anything, but how is giving her what she wants evil?! I don't understand, and I'm pretty sure I'm smarter than he is!_

_I'm sure this is all horrible to think and all, but what the fuck, why not? Why can't I think these things if she can go and say them? And you know what? I'm right. He's an idiot. I shouldn't even be following him._

_Oh damnit…._

Draco got this look on his face… a cross between being horrified and having come to his senses (sorta).

Professor Binns beamed, "Thank you Mr. Malfoy, see class, somebody appreciates the long history between the Goblins and their gold."

_So that's what he was talking about…_

Blaise smirked and leaned over, "I recognize that look. You just realized I was right."

"Fuck off," Draco growled. He didn't like being wrong…

"So I am right," Blaise smiled obnoxiously.

"Wait, what are you right about?"

"That you don't want to be a Death Eater," he said smugly.

Draco sighed… "Wait a second, when did you tell me that?"

"So I am right," Blaise declared triumphantly… and loudly because the whole class turned to look at him. "What? I'm always right." And then quietly, "Look, Draco, don't try and understand how my awesomeness works, just remember, I told you that."

"Umm, okay…" and Draco moved his desk away from his not-so-normal best friend.

* * *

Everyone trudged down to breakfast. There had been a wild party in Slytherin the night before. No one had slept very much and several people had extremely bad hangovers… including Draco.

They sat at their table eyeing the delicious food on the table and piling it onto their plates. Right when they were ready to dig in they realized they had no forks, knives, or spoons… nothing. Well, Crabbe and Goyle didn't mind, they just used their hands. But everyone else looked around the Great Hall and saw the other houses noticing the lack of silverware as well.

Snape summoned a house elf, "Where's the cutlery?" he snapped while giving the poor creature one of his patented death glares.

"Twinkie doesn't know sir. It was all gone this morning. Twinkie is sorry," she stammered nervously.

"Go," he ordered and she left quickly.

After about twenty some minutes he and Professor McGonagall had managed to fix the problem. They transfigured some of the napkins into silverware and duplicated them.

Professor Snape got bored after he was done eating and headed back to his office to get some work done before he had to deal with any misbehaving students. He opened his office door and jumped back. When nothing happened he stepped in. Once he'd sat down at his desk hundreds of forks, spoons, and knives rained on his head.

* * *

Hermione, Draco, and Blaise were sitting in the Slytherin Common Room doing their homework when Pansy stormed in, steam blowing out her ears.

"What's wrong Pansy?" Draco asked while Blaise continued with his essay.

"You're not my boyfriend, you're not supposed to ask!" she screeched.

Draco just gave Hermione a slightly amused look and tried to concentrate on his Transfiguration paper.

Blaise looked up. "I didn't think I needed to ask, I just sorta assumed you'd tell us."

She glared at him, "Fine, be that way."

"Be what way? I've always been like this."

"Yeah, I know, but just wait until you hear what a shitty day I've had… First off, I went into the bathroom and when I sat down on the toilet…"

"Listen Pansy, I love you and all," Blaise interrupted, "but if this is some female problem then wait till me and Draco are out of the room and just tell Mandy."

She glared at him. "It's not a 'female problem' it's a problem that happens to involve a toilet. I sat down and well… something squirted out of the seat, hitting me in the back of the legs. It was this disgusting green stuff… oh, it was disgusting!!"

"I'm sorry," Blaise laughed.

"Do you think this is funny?" she demanded.

Blaise could lie if he needed to, but most of the time he didn't bother, "Umm, yeah…"

"I guess it is pretty funny. I just hope it happens to you," she muttered the last part. "And," she pouted, "Julia is really close to discovering a cure for AIDS. Life's no fair."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Hermione asked. She was a little worried about Pansy's sanity.

"It would be a good thing if it was anyone else. Slytherins hold grudges for a long time." Pansy sat next to Blaise and Draco and Hermione were forced to move across the common room in order to give the two some privacy since they decided a make-out session was necessary.

Once they'd sat down with their books Hermione snickered under her breath.

Draco turned to her, "Okay, confess."

"I didn't do anything," she smiled as she looked up at him with wide eyes.

"I don't believe that. Honestly, I know you did something."

"No you don't," she stuck her tongue out.

"Mandy."

"What? You have no proof. You'll never catch me!"

He grabbed her wrist, "Caught you… now honestly, did you rig the toilet seats?"

She giggled, "Of course I did… but I shouldn't have had to tell you that. And OMG, Pansy and Blaise are such a strange couple."

"Well, Pansy can be oddly moody and Blaise could never date anyone remotely normal… so all in all, that's pretty much expected…"

"But she seemed like she was so mad and then they start kissing… that's just beyond weird."

Draco shrugged, after knowing Blaise for seven years he'd seen far weirder things. "Well, she wasn't really mad at him, she was just pissed off. And well, if she were going to get mad at Blaise every time he did something infuriating then they wouldn't be dating. I don't know what to tell you, they're just weirdos."

"That's one way to put," Hermione muttered.

* * *

Wednesday morning at Breakfast an owl flew into the Great Hall (actually, many owls flew into the Great Hall but whatever…) and headed straight towards Hermione. It dropped a green envelope on her plate and flew off.

'_Mandy',_

_Don't send a reply; my location's a secret or something… even though a million people pass through this place all the time._

_When I got to the Hog's Head the two people there disguised me with some spells and joke products (not even gonna ask) and took me inside the place and we sat down for a firewhiskey. It was an interesting day. Now I'm in hiding with people I'd normally hate and I'm actually enjoying myself._

_By the way, Fleur says hi and she also says that she doesn't always talk about Beauxbatons and she'd also like me to add that Beauxbatons would never keep the dungeons as cold as Hogwarts does. She says she passed on the message that you're safe._

_Well, have fun… sucker…_

…

"Well that's odd…" Hermione commented after reading the strange letter Daphne sent her.

"What's odd?" Blaise asked.

"I got a letter from my mother."

"I thought you said your mother was dead…"

_Oh shit… _"That's why it's odd," she covered quickly and not very convincingly.

On their way to the library for study hall, Draco had an odd request, "Can we go make out?"

Hermione stopped dead and stared at him. "What?"

He grabbed her roughly and pulled her to his face. She gasped and kissed him.

"Mandy?"

"Mnm?" She could almost taste his lips… eew, was that some toast?

"Mandy, snap the fuck out of it." She opened her eyes to see Draco staring at her curiously. "Can I see the letter?"

Shaking off the weird, momentary hallucination, Hermione warned, "It's not actually from my mother."

"I know that… I just want to see it."

"Fine," and surprisingly she handed it over. _Damnit, I have got to stop trusting him…_

"So she's safe… that's good."

"Yeah… so…"

"Well, it's almost time for Easter Break," he brought up.

"Yeah, and then I can annoy Lord Voldemort some more." Her eyes lit up.

Draco groaned. "Sure you don't want to leave him alone… just for one week?"

"No, not really, there's nothing better to do at Death Eater Headquarters. I mean come on; you guys don't have a pool table or an air hockey table or anything."

Draco groaned again.

**I needed a house elf name and I started thinking about Winky and well… Twinkie was born.**

**I'm so sorry for the wait. In November I did NaNoWriMo and then December meant finals.... yeah... it sucked. But somehow I pulled off straight A's on my report card... miracles do happen.**

**THANKS SO MUCH LILY. EdwardsLily beta'd this chapter for me and prevented you guys from being forced to read my atrocious grammer. Also, the whole hallucination thing Hermione has about kissing Draco is 100% her idea. She gave me the little thing written out and I used it... She's amazing!!!**

**NOTICE: Umm, awkward, btw, my username isn't AmazingTofu because I think I'm amazing or anything, it's a long story and if you were on that Disney trip in seventh grade (or just in my class that year) you'd totally get it XD**

**JuliaRoger140: Thank you so much for reviewing my story. And thanks for being such an amazing character. After all, without you Pansy would be much less in the story and she's amazing. I'm just thinking about what sort of boyfriend to give you... hmm...**

**Snowcharms: You have no idea how twisted my mind is. I love having a crackfic :) It's fun.**

**Focid360: Have I ever told you how amazing you are? Well, you're amazing.**

**Doulike14: I was reading your review at school, it made my day and I cracked up laughing, the librarians didn't appreciate that XD**

**OMG: thanks :)**

**Megara Spoiler: Aww, thanks :)**

**EdwardsLily: You're just amazing! Thank you so much for putting up with my first draft :) I'm working on Chapter 13 now :)**

**LK-HoGwArTs-hEaDgIrL: gracias :)**

**Dramione96: Haha, well then, if you have any genius ideas you need to share. Thanks so much for all your help with my story :)**

**IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS PLEASE SEND THEM TO ME!! AND IF YOU GET BORED READ MY OTHER STORIES OR IF YOU WANT MORE DRAMIONE GO AND READ DRAMIONE'S STORY, WHICH IS NOW FINISHED.**

**That was a pain in the ass to type because I didn't bother with Caps lock... oops... Have a nice day :)**


	13. The Biggest Fan!

**I'm really really sorry for such a long wait. This chapter is dedicated to Focid and Dramione96 who helped me remember to write this chapter... It's also dedicated to flamingbunnies whose review made my day: _I can't wait for the next chapter! Can I be a random Death Eater in your_  
_story? I don't care if you set me on fire or shove things up my butt, I am_  
_free to whatever. This is an awesome story!_**

**Saturday**

"This is ridiculous," Hermione muttered. "I can't believe I'm going to do this."

"Then don't do it," Draco said, keeping his eyes shut.

"But I have to," she sighed as she pulled on her clothes. She put her hair up and cast a couple of spells.

"What are you even doing?" Draco asked impatiently.

"Open your eyes."

He did. "Oh my God, what the hell happened?"

"Do you like it?" She spun around.

"L-like it?" he spluttered. "Talk about the world's biggest turn-off."

"That's half the point. Wait, does that mean I'm normally a turn-on?"

He ignored her question because it would've been weird for him to admit that, yes, he found her extremely attractive. "Who are you trying to be?"

"I'm the biggest fan, of course," she answered with a mischievous grin.

Blaise barged in. He looked at Hermione calmly. "Do I even want to know?"

"I'm the biggest fan," she smiled. She turned around and sure enough 'The Biggest Fan' was written on her back.

"Alright, cool." Blaise took a seat.

"Where's Pansy?"

"She kicked me out. She's changing. It'll take her hours so I came here to check on the children. You know, make sure they haven't gotten into any trouble."

"Ha ha ha." Draco half-glared at his best friend while trying to figure out why they were friends.

"Well, I'm glad you could join us Blaise," Hermione said politely.

Blaise sat down, put his legs up, and raised an eyebrow. "Weirdo."

"Do you have a problem with people being polite?"

"You're a Slytherin," Blaise explained. "Politeness means shit."

"Well, I'm also from Beauxbatons. Politeness is everything."

"Then why do you rarely act polite?" Draco asked.

"What can I say? Blaise is a bad influence."

"Guilty," he mumbled through a mouthful of chocolate frogs.

Draco watched the exchange with mild amusement and a bit of denied awe for Mandy/Hermione… whoever the hell she was. She slipped into her cover perfectly; he didn't know how she could act like she really was who she said she was. It astounded him, which was weird because he was a Slytherin so he should be good at lying and it shouldn't surprise him when other 'Slytherins' were good at lying. But she wasn't a Slytherin so he was justified in being astonished.

They finally arrived at Kings Cross. Draco was relieved. Once Hermione was done with her stupid joke she'd return to normal… he hoped (he was beginning to suspect that she couldn't be normal even if she tried).

"Where are we supposed to go? I don't see your dad." Hermione looked around the Platform 9 ¾.

"I don't think he's here. Things haven't gone very well with the Dark Lord lately. I doubt he's allowed out of the Manor," Draco muttered the last part looking slightly ashamed.

Hermione looked amused, "So he's in time-out?"

Draco glared at her. "No."

"He's not allowed to leave? It sounds like time-out."

"Just shut up about it."

Hermione weighed her options. It was an obvious source of discomfort for Draco, and she liked annoying him. But she could see that he wasn't taking it in the way she meant it (a friendly teasing manner). But did that really matter? Maybe it wasn't a bad thing to mock him. It's not like he'd ever cared about her feelings. Though lately he'd been pretty nice…. Oh… to hell with it. She was a nice person and even if Draco Malfoy was a jerk she'd still be nice to him.

And file away the information for future reference.

"How do you think we're supposed to get home?" she finally asked.

Draco was relieved at the topic switch. "I'm not sure. Wait, there's Flaming Bunnies!"

Hermione turned to him and her mouth fell open. "Flaming Bunnies? What kind of name is that?"

"Umm… it's a long story. There was this fire drill at Headquarters over the summer. She ran out wearing bunny pajamas and these really fuzzy bunny slippers. Except, it wasn't a drill; the place really was on fire. She somehow managed to catch on fire. She's now only known as Flaming Bunnies."

"That's rather disturbing," Hermione whispered to Draco as Flaming Bunnies escorted them back to Malfoy Manor.

When Hermione entered the foyer she looked around in confusion. It was a lot different than the last time she'd been there. In December the house had been immaculate and elegant. Now… it was pretty nasty. There were remnants of its expensive design, but it was the Death Eater's makeshift headquarters and as such had to endure the mess that comes with housing tons of men who don't care about Narcissa's precious house.

Draco shook his head sadly and headed upstairs with Hermione. They stood at the top in awkward silence for a moment as Draco determined which way to go. He shoved her bags in one room and his in another. Then they headed to Dark Lord's office.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly.

"Don't be."

"Too late."

Voldemort was shocked when he saw the two teenagers enter his office. Draco was dressed normally and bowed and greeted him and all that normal stuff, but the mudblood… well… he was shocked.

Hermione had known that if she wanted her 'prank' to be complete, she'd have to dress the part. She definitely did. She wore a pastel purple skirt and purple pumps. Her shirt was white with purple sleeves (like a baseball shirt). On the front was a picture of Voldemort in a heart; on the back was 'The Biggest Fan!' To complete the look she'd charmed on braces and put her hair up in pigtails.

Hermione pulled out a magical camera and started snapping pictures. "OMG!" she squealed. "Is this your throne room? I have got to get a picture with you in here!" She put her head next to his and took several pictures (which he looked really funny in because his head was shiny and his face was half-pissed off, half-shocked).

"What's wrong with you?" he demanded

"Absolutely nothing. I know I'm a little hyper, but I can't help it. I'm your biggest fan. I've always wanted to meet you!" Hermione let out another fan-girl-like squeal and jumped up and down.

Draco took a deep breath and decided that ignoring her would be his best option. Voldemort just stared. "Who are you supposed to be?"

"I'm your biggest fan!" She ran over and gave him a big hug.

"Just. Change. Back. NOW!" He ordered angrily.

She pouted, "Voldykins… you ruin all the fun." With a sigh and a wave of her wand she was wearing tight jeans, a tight, emerald, v-neck t-shirt, and emerald wedges. "Happy?"

The Dark Lord took a deep breath and reminded himself that he couldn't kill her. "That's much better. Now, can we get down to business?"

"Sure, whatever." Hermione sat down in a chair and put her feet up on his desk. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I want to know how Daphne Greengrass managed to escape."

"You let her go," Hermione shrugged. "It's that simple. She outsmarted you."

"You are not blaming this on me!"

"Too late," she muttered.

"No!" Voldemort said sounding very pissed. "This is not my fault! You could've stopped her!"

"How do you think I could've done that without blowing my cover? Honestly, do you think these things through?"

"You're smart. You could've figured something out."

"While I'm happy and slightly smug that you've finally acknowledged my intelligence, I still fail to see what your point is. If you want me to find any more spies then I have to keep my cover. There was no way for me to capture Daphne and get her to you without blowing my cover. Therefore, this is your fault and your problem." Hermione crossed her arms as she finished her impromptu lecture.

"W-w-w…" the Dark Lord spluttered.

"When's dinner? I'm rather hungry." Hermione inquired calmly.

The Dark Lord's eyes widened and bugged out.

Hermione gave him a concerned look. "You might want to consider getting your eyes checked out by a doctor. They aren't supposed to pop out of your head like that." She left while saying, "I'm going to find some food."

Voldemort massaged his bald head. "Go with her Draco. Don't let her get into anything she shouldn't. And try and keep her from causing too much trouble this week."

"Yes my Lord, of course," Draco replied immediately. As he was leaving he heard Voldemort talking to himself 'Why me? Why me? Why couldn't she have stayed at Hogwarts?'

"Hey Drakey," Hermione said happily as he walked towards her. "Where are the kitchens?"

"Follow me. And don't talk to anyone."

"But I love talking to evil, prejudiced people who want to kill me."

"Hahaha Mandy, seriously, don't make this week more difficult than it needs to be."

"Why would I make something difficult? I'm such an easy person to get along with."

"You have _got_ to be kidding."

She laughed. "It's called sarcasm Malfoy."

"Yeah, whatever." He rolled his eyes.

When they reached the kitchens a house elf ran up to them. "Master Draco, Master Draco!"

"Yes?" He looked puzzled.

"Hi," the elf gave Draco a quick hug which Draco returned without meeting Hermione's eyes.

"What's up?" he asked.

"The Dark Lord wants you and your girlfriend to have breakfast with him on Monday."

"Oh, okay. Thanks."

**Hermione's POV**

_I can't seem to sleep. Although I guess that's normal considering I'm in a building with 100 of my worst enemies and the Dark Lord himself. But still, there are some things that I can't get out of my mind. And worst of all, I'm not sure I want to._

_Today was pretty interesting. I think my 'The Biggest Fan' thing went well. Voldemort seemed shocked and Draco seemed mildly amused, not that he'll ever admit it._

_And since you brought up Draco, he confuses me. What was that whole thing with the house-elf (whose name I can't seem to figure out) in the kitchen today? I was definitely surprised to see them hug. What happened to the poor, mistreated Dobby? But the hug was very sweet. Aww._

_And then the house-elf said I was his girlfriend, and he didn't argue. I know that he couldn't because we have to keep our cover, but he used to shift awkwardly if someone mentioned it. Either he's a better actor, has accepted it, or doesn't mind it. I'm hoping it's the last one because I've found that he's not half bad…_

_But don't you dare tell anyone I said that. I know so many hexes and curses that your life would end very painfully._

**Monday Morning**

Once the three of them had sat down for breakfast, the Dark Lord started talking about things that were incredibly important to him. Hermione didn't really care, so she pulled out her crossword puzzle and started working.

About 15 minutes later Voldemort realized his audience wasn't very interested in him (well, Draco was listening, but he was the only one). "Mudblood, are you paying attention?"

She looked up, "What? Oh, of course not. Can you give me a nine letter word for 'a man who wants to take over the wizarding world'?

"Voldemort?" Draco guessed.

"No, there's no 'V'. Wait, I've got it. B-R-A-I-N-L-E-S-S. Thanks, that fits perfectly."

"As I was saying," Voldemort glared at the teens to hopefully redirect their focus. "I can't believe they got away again. I need more ideas to track them. If we don't find those stupid Aurors soon, we might never find them!"

Hermione waved her wand above Voldemort's head. He looked up slowly and saw a… floating light bulb? "What the hell is this?" He demanded.

"It's a light bulb," Hermione said in that slow voice people use when they're talking to stupid children.

He threw the bulb at the wall. "Why the hell was it above my head?"

"That wasn't very nice. Breaking those things can be dangerous. Besides, I was just trying to help. Light bulbs are supposed to help you think, and you said you needed ideas." She gave him a sad look.

"GO AWAY!"

"Excuse you. If you want me to leave you need to be polite about it."

"How about this? If you don't leave I'm going to kill you." He pulled his wand out in preparation.

When he looked up Hermione was facing Draco and talking rapidly. "And she's all 'FYI, he's so into me and not you' and I'm all 'Yeah, right, whatever.' Oh, I'm sorry Voldykins, did you say something?"

"I said that I was going to kill you," he repeated, waiting for her to be terrified.

"Hmm, that's nice."

"You're supposed to be afraid!"

"How many times have you told Harry that you were going to kill him?"

Hermione might have done some really stupid things in her life, but there was no way she was going to stay in a room with a volatile, incredibly pissed off Dark Lord who she'd just insulted and made much angrier than she ever had before.

"Fine, I'll leave. After all, my mother always told me that I shouldn't associate with rude people." She walked out of the room with her nose in the air.

A couple seconds later, she stuck her head back in the room. "You might want to try some anger management classes." Then she ran back to her room and locked the door, just in case.

**Tuesday**

_Dear Blaise,_

_How has your break been? I hope you've been enjoying it. Mine's been pretty good, since I know you won't ask. Draco's doing fine, since I know neither of you will write the other."_

_~Mandy_

_Dear Mandy,_

_Of course I would've asked how your break had been. I'm a gentleman and the epitome of politeness. And Draco and I do write each other over breaks, thank you very much. Oh, and Pansy says hi._

_~Blaise_

_Draco,_

_Umm, this is weird. Well, Mandy said she knew we wouldn't write over the break. So… hi._

_~Blaise_

_Blaise,_

_You really do have an obsession with proving people wrong. What are we going to write about? How did you do your hair? What are you wearing to the ball on Friday? Seriously?_

_~Draco_

_Draco,_

_Actually, it's just an amusing pastime._

_My hair is the same as usual, with its sexy windswept look. And for the ball, I'll be wearing dress robes, of course. You?_

_~Blaise_

_Blaise,_

_I was kidding! I don't really care what's up with your hair or your dress robes. Idiot. And my hair is still sexier._

_~Draco_

_Draco,_

_It's not nice to call people idiots. Especially when you're the idiot who thinks your hair could ever be sexier than mine._

_~Blaise_

_Blaise,_

_My hair is the sexiest. And you're the idiot who thought that I was serious about the hair and the robes!_

_~Draco_

_Draco,_

_I'm not replying to that._

_~Blaise_

_Blaise,_

_Fine._

_~Draco_

_Dear Blaise,_

_Tell Pansy I said hi. And don't be foolish, I know you and Draco only started writing because you have an obsession with proving people wrong._

_~Mandy_

_Dear Mandy,_

_IT'S NOT AN OBSESSION! It's JUST an amusing pastime, honestly._

_How do you know that we're even writing?_

_~Blaise_

_Dear Blaise,_

_I'm omniscient. And I like to snoop through people's things._

_~Mandy_

_Dear Mandy,_

_That's a little creepy._

_~Blaise_

_Dear Blaise,_

_At least I don't argue about whose hair is sexier._

_~Mandy_

_Dear Mandy,_

_I'm not replying to that._

_~Blaise_

_Dear Blaise,_

_You just did._

_~Mandy_

_Dear Mandy,_

_Damnit._

_~Blaise_

**Wednesday**

Hermione and Draco were playing chess in his room when Narcissa rushed in. "Draco, come with me quickly. You," she pointed at Hermione, "don't leave."

Draco and Hermione exchanged surprised looks and he ran downstairs. Once they were gone Hermione almost laughed; did they really think she'd stay there? She crept down the stairs after them.

She peered into the room and saw all the Malfoys, Bellatrix, Fenrir Greyback, and several people in the center. With a gasp, she recognized them. It was Harry and Ron. They'd been captured. Bellatrix was freaking out about a sword and threatening to torture people.

"Do you recognize them Draco?" Lucius asked urgently. "Are they Potter and Weasley?"

"I don't think that's them. Weasley's psycho mother would never have let him leave, especially since he has Spattergroit, and Potter couldn't survive without his two friends."

"THEY HAVE THE SWORD! DOES NOBODY CARE?" Bellatrix shouted.

"No Bella," Narcissa finally answered. "Nobody cares."

"You all don't understand! This could be the end of it!" Bellatrix shrieked insanely and flung herself down on a couch to appear dramatic.

Narcissa rolled her eyes and turned back to her son. "Are you sure it's not them?"

"Well… I guess it could be, but if they've survived this long without getting caught, why would they suddenly do something stupid and get caught by some stupid catchers?"

"That is a good point. But I suppose we must call the Dark Lord anyways," Lucius sighed.

"WAIT!" Bellatrix shouted.

"What?" Lucius snapped.

"Send them away first," she ordered.

Lucius sighed. "She'll never shut up if we don't listen to her. Draco, take them down to the dungeons."

Hermione watched with trepidation. She was happy Draco had half-tried to cover for them, but it wouldn't be enough. Although, she did find it amusing that the Malfoys had a dungeon in their basement.

She followed Draco down to the dungeons. She needed a few minutes to see Harry and Ron, and she knew she had time while Bellatrix, Lucius, and Narcissa argued about the sword.

"Come on Draco, let us leave," Harry pleaded.

"I can't."

"They can't blame your parents or anything," Harry reasoned.

"It's not them I'm worried about," Draco whispered. "Hermione's here. He'll blame her."

"Why are you worried about her?" Ron asked suspiciously.

"Why is that any of your business?" Draco snapped.

Hermione laughed. Draco turned around. "Mandy, I thought you were supposed to stay upstairs."

"Were you stupid enough to think that that would happen?"

"No," he sighed. "Just be careful. Bellatrix is psycho."

"I know, trust me."

Hermione went into the dungeon and Harry and Ron gave her a weird look. "Who are you?"

Luna came over. "Hermione, I'm so happy to see you! Did Daphne get out okay?"

Harry and Ron looked confused. "Wait, you're Hermione? What the hell's been happening around here?"

"Daphne's fine. Yes, it's me. Voldykins caught me in August. I've been pretending to be a spy and a Slytherin. Now I'm Mandy Beausoleil, a transfer student from Beauxbatons."

"That's so weird. So are you friends with Draco?"

"We're dating…"

"WHAT!"

"Relax, it's just for my cover/" Hermione reassured them, but the words felt false.

Draco was standing on the other side of the door. He could hear everything. Hermione seemed amused by their reactions, and she didn't seem ashamed of them 'dating.' And even he could hear the unconscious lie when she said it was her cover. Good, maybe he had a chance after all.

They could hear Bellatrix screaming upstairs. "NO! WE MUST BE CAREFUL! THE GOBLIN WILL TELL US IF IT IS REAL OR NOT!"

Draco poked his head in. "Mandy, get back upstairs quickly. She's coming." He opened a secret door and shoved her in. He didn't want to give her a chance to argue. He could hear Potter begging the goblin to lie. So they did have the real sword, and the Dark Lord had a fake. Oddly enough, that made him happy. Which scared him for a minute, but then he realized that Blaise had told him he didn't want to be a Death Eater. So it was all good.

After they all escaped and Draco half-heartedly tried to stop them, he went back upstairs to continue the chess game with Hermione. He went into her room and found her crying. "Hermione… are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she sniffed. She wiped her tears away and sat down by the chess board. "I need to finish kicking your ass."

"You know, Potter said that the sword in Aunt Bella's vault is fake. They took the real one with them."

"That's great," she smiled. "They're one step closer."

"To what?"

"Nothing."

"Are you ever going to tell me?"

"Maybe. But Draco… where do your loyalties really lie?"

"I… I… I know but I don't know. I can't admit it."

"Not even to me?"

"I can barely admit it to myself."

"Blaise seems to know."

"Blaise is the one that figured it out. That guy is psycho."

"True, very true. But if you ever want to leave, I know a place where you and your family can be safe."

"I'll keep that in mind," he smiled gratefully.

She smirked. "Checkmate."

**Thursday**

"Hey, Mandy, did you hear about the Death Eater ball?" Draco asked.

"What?"

"You know, the one my mom's taking you dress shopping for this afternoon."

"What? I'm not a Death Eater. Why do I have to go?"

"Because you're staying here, and everyone thinks you're my girlfriend."

"Right… I forgot about that. Wait, does that mean you're a Death Eater?"

"Not yet. I'll be initiated soon."

"Would you already be one if you'd killed Dumbledore?" she asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"Yeah, killing him was my test. Needless to say, I failed."

"Is that good or bad?"

He looked around to make sure they were alone and said (so quietly she barely heard him), "I don't know."

"Where do you think I should hide so your mom won't find me?"

~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~

Narcissa dragged Hermione to half the stores in Diagon Alley. The perfect dress was out there somewhere; they just had to find it. Hermione was willing to settle. Narcissa said that settling would compromise her morals. Finally they entered Tatiana's Boutique. Narcissa shoved Hermione into a dressing room and threw dress after dress over the door. Nothing was good enough.

"Don't you have _anything_ else?" Narcissa asked, even she wanted to the trip to be over soon.

Tatiana smiled. "I do have something. It's very beautiful, but very expensive."

"Money isn't an object. Give her the dress."

Hermione put it on and walked out. Narcissa and Tatiana gasped. Hermione looked in the mirror and barely recognized herself. It wasn't just a dress, it was _the_ dress. "I feel like a princess," Hermione muttered in awe.

The dress was strapless and light purple. The bodice was beaded and accentuated her waist and boobs. At her waist the dress flowed out in a floating, silky material. It was long enough that it gently brushed the floor.

Narcissa bought the dress while Hermione put back on her black pants, black stilettos, and too small, light blue shirt (with sleeves that reached her elbows).

"Let's get dinner at the Leaky Cauldron," Narcissa suggested in a way that suggested there wasn't another option.

Hermione shrugged. "Why not?"

While they were eating. Hermione asked, "Why'd you buy me such an expensive dress?"

"If we win the war we'll be rolling in money. If we lose the war, well…"

"You won't go to Azkaban. You haven't technically done anything wrong."

"The Ministry will take all our money. They tried to take it last time, but they couldn't because Lucius managed to get out of prison."

"Why would they take all your money?"

"Because Lucius is a Death Eater."

"But what about you and Draco? Both of you need money to live."

"It doesn't matter because Lucius is a Death Eater."

"That's not fair."

"Your good guys aren't always so good," Narcissa said, sounding only a little bit bitter.

"Who do you think will win?"

Narcissa rubbed her eyes tiredly. "I don't know anymore."

"If you ever want out, let me know. I can help you."

"Your people won't let us in."

"They'll let anyone in. They won't trust you, they might not be nice, but they'll let you in."

"Lucius will never agree to it."

"Well, if he changes his mind, I'll make it happen."

"I'll keep that in mind."

**Friday Morning**

A group of Death Eaters (plus Hermione, Draco, and Narcissa just because they were in the house) was called to help the Dark Lord figure out which dress robes he would wear to the ball.

He'd tried on about twenty robes and each time everyone told him how good he looked. He stepped out in some very ill-fitting robes and asked, "How do I look?" His face said he knew he looked good and wanted everyone to agree with him.

Hermione had tried to behave, she really had. But Voldemort asking how he looked just invited an answer. "Well, your plastic surgeon did a horrible job with the whole 'red-eyed snake thing' and you really should've had the confidence to age a little more gracefully. Also, stop looking for confirmation from others about your looks, they're all lying anyways."

"OUT!"

"Fine, get rid of the only honest voice. Although, you always have enjoyed lies more than the truth." She shrugged as though it was his loss and left.

She smiled once she was in the hall. She'd gotten what she wanted while annoying Voldemort. She heard Draco's voice from inside, "Maybe I should follow her my Lord, to make sure she keeps out of trouble."

"Ahh, good idea Draco."

Draco left the room and breathed a sigh of relief. "It's over. The torture is over."

"Well, for a loyal supporter you sure seem to agree with my views on his looks."

"Honestly, I think everyone in there agreed with you. None of them will ever admit it though."

"Of course, then I appear like I'm the lone voice of reason," she sighed.

"Melodramatic much?" Draco rolled his eyes.

**Friday Night**

Hermione pulled on her dress, put her hair in a messy bun, and put on her makeup. She put in diamond earrings that brushed her shoulders and wrapped a diamond necklace around her neck. Lastly, she put on some sparkly shoes. She was ready.

Draco was waiting outside her room to escort her to the dance. He was wearing a standard black tux but with a light purple shirt instead of a white one. When Hermione came out it took him a minute to find his voice. She looked so beautiful. "You… you look great," he finally said.

She smiled shyly. "Thanks. You don't look half-bad yourself."

He gave her a cocky grin, "Don't I know it."

She laughed. She had felt a little awkward at first. She wasn't use to long ball gowns. But his ego helped everything feel a little more natural.

They entered the ballroom and headed over to the punch. They stood there watching everyone else entering.

Several minutes later Voldemort entered to loud applause and gave a small speech. Once he was done, Blaise came in. He looked around and headed towards Draco and Hermione. "Hey. You look nice Mandy. You look weird Draco."

"Thanks," they both answered, though Hermione smiled and Draco glared.

Blaise smiled, "No problem."

"Why are you always late?" Draco asked.

Blaise shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I like being fashionably late since I'm so fashionable."

"Right, gay is more like it."

Blaise stuck his tongue out. Hermione laughed, "Real mature Blaise."

After a couple of hours Draco turned to Hermione, "Do you want to dance?"

"I'd love to," she smiled.

Blaise watched them and started gagging. Several of the people nearby gave him odd looks. He shrugged, "Bad shrimp, I guess."

Halfway through the song Hermione looked up at Draco with a big smile. "You know, this is really nice. Like, it's actually nice."

He shoved his ego away and returned her smile. "It is, isn't it?"

**Saturday**

Hermione and Draco went to breakfast with the Dark Lord. He said he had some things to discuss with them before they returned to Hogwarts.

Voldemort rubbed his eyes and yawned as the teens sat down.

Hermione asked, "Are you alright? You seem kind of tired."

"I am… I heard this beeping noise every three minutes last night. It kept me awake."

"Oh, that really sucks," she said, sounding almost sympathetic.

Draco sighed. Really? An alarm clock every three minutes?

"Alright, I need you two to investigate Blaise Zabini. He's a pureblood and a Slytherin, but there's something weird about him. I want you to make sure he's completely loyal to me."

"Of course my Lord," Draco responded, kicking Hermione under the table when she looked like she was going to argue.

"I actually have some very important news for you Ickle-Voldykins," Hermione announced proudly.

"What? Do you already know which side Zabini is on?" he asked eagerly.

"Yeah, Blaise is loyal. But this isn't about a student. I just thought you ought to know that one of your Death Eaters is really a member of the Order of the Phoenix using Polyjuice Potion."

He stared at her in shock for a moment and then leapt out of his chair and ran down the hallway shouting, "Death Eater meeting! Death Eater meeting!"

"Play nice," Hermione called after him.

"So, who is it?" Draco asked, running through a list of possibly people in his head.

Hermione laughed and shrugged. "There isn't one. I just wanted to see him freak out."

"Oh… that's… nice."

"Well, I have business to attend to," she informed him vaguely.

She scurried around Malfoy Manor (happy that everybody was meeting with Voldemort and out of her way) and went into every bathroom (except hers and, in a moment of kindness, Draco's and Narcissa's).Some toilets she covered with Saran Wrap, some were filled with jelly or mud, and some were covered with itching powder.

Over the next several hours many shouts could be heard. "What the hell is this?" "Oww, oww, it itches!" "Narcissa, I need your help!" "Where's a house elf when you need one?" "Oh God, it's spreading. Help!" And Hermione's personal favorite: "Where's that obnoxious girl? I bet she'd know how to get rid of this."

**Sunday**

Draco gave his parents a hug and boarded the train. Hermione stalled for a few minutes. She needed to wave good bye to her 'adoring fans.' Several Death Eaters had avoided the toilets at the Manor and had come along so they could use an un-tampered with toilet. Or so they thought. Hermione had cast several spells on the doors of the bathrooms so that when anyone with a Dark Mark went in, the water would spray them in the face, the toilet seat would disappear, or the urinal would start sucking up everything, and I mean everything.

She went over to Voldemort to say bye. "So Baldykins, this is goodbye." She poked him.

"What the hell was that?"

She smirked. "You'll see."

As she was getting on the train she heard a funny noise. She turned around and Voldemort was twitching.

Hermione and Draco ended up sitting in a compartment with Pansy and Blaise. Hermione decided she might as well do her homework. Draco and Blaise played a very competitive game of Exploding Snape, which can't be described because of the numerous expletives and the inappropriate nature of many of their insults. Pansy read a book.

**Pansy POV**

_I'm not completely sure what's up with this Mandy girl. She seems different and not just because she claims to be French when it's obvious she isn't._

_Her and Blaise get along, like they actually get along, which is weird. People just don't take to him. He's strange and definitely not your average Slytherin, which most Slytherins don't like. I attribute Mandy liking Blaise to her being from Beauxbatons… but SHE'S NOT FRENCH._

_She's just not normal, alright? It creeps me out. She's pretty cool, but also a total weirdo. She always acts like she's hiding something. And I know she had something to do with Daphne disappearing._

_And Draco and Mandy… jeez. For a while, there was contempt on their faces every time they looked at each other. Draco was better at hiding it, but I've known him for so long that I could see it. Lately, there's no contempt, just a bond. They're sharing some huge secret. I bet Draco knows what happened with Daphne. If I were to ask they'd both deny it._

_And them dating… it's just odd. They don't kiss, hold hands, or hug. It's weird. They claim they like each other, but in reality they seem more like new friends. Actually, today they've been really close. They're sitting really close together, they're taking turns looking at each other, and they held hands for a little bit. It was kind of sweet… and sickening._

_Whatever their problem is, it isn't worth my time._

**Credit for all the toilet pranks goes to Misscullen93. Also, the Flaming Bunny in my story is based on flamingbunnies.**

**I'm so sorry that it took me so long to update! I'd make excuses, but it's not like I was in a coma for 5 months so I can't think of any really good reasons. But don't worry, I have tons of ideas. This story will be 18 chapters long and will be done by the end of July. Then I'm going to write a sequel :D**

**EVERYBODY GO READ DRAMIONE96'S NEW STORY CALLED AGAINST ALL ODDS! IT'S DRAMIONE AND DRACO AND HERMIONE DANCE ON BROKEN GLASS.. ACTUALLY THEY DON'T BUT I THINK THAT WOULD'VE BEEN AMUSING :D (I should've used capslock to type that... damn.)**

**Flamingbunnies: your review made my day :D**

**Focid: I actually have about 18 chapters, so your guess was close :D**

**Misscullen93: thanks for your genius ideas :)**

**the overcomer: when laughing, the floor is generally the best place to roll =) thanks!**

**edwardslily: thank you for being so patient**

**chihuahuagirl13: your username is very difficult to spell :( but thanks for your review :)**

**snow charms: Why, yes. I am on crack, however did you guess? No, I'm just kidding, I don't do drugs, I just have a twisted mind.**

**dramionepurehearts: yes! making people laugh out loud is my goal! i hope your family doesn't think you're too psycho.**

**leanora: thanks :)**

**dramione96: hehe... of course you would take that the wrong way XD**

******xxorangexxmonkeyxx (aka Sarah): haha, thanks! i love being random! it's fun, isn't it? thanks, it's a good principle :)**

**LK-HoGwArTs-hEaDgIrL: your username is interesting to type into the keyboard, you must have fun logging in. :D thanks!**

**voldyismyfather: if voldy is your father does that mean that you're evil too? thanks for your review!**


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